New Years Eve and Surgery #3

Tomorrow is New Year Eve and I will be in the hospital having surgery #3 to remove a desmoid tumor. It is still in basically the same place, hip area on my right leg. This time it is more on the back and side area. I have to admit I am a little nervous about what I am going to wake up to—vain or not I am worried about the way my butt is going to look. The good news it is fatty there and hopefully any indents will fill themselves in over time.

I am calm so far but if I remember last time correctly I was calm and the nerves didn’t start kicking in until the hospital. Sitting in that little room, so brightly lit for as early in the morning it is, waiting for them to walk me back to the operating room; that much waiting would have anyone’s nerves on edge. This time around I have anxiety meds so that should help. 

I feel like a prisoner on death row the night before surgery, having my last meal. I never know if I will have an appetite after surgery. So, the last few days leading up to the last night I have all my favorite things and anything I am craving. All diets go right out the window.  It’s crazy really. It’s not like I’m never going to eat again….

I also have a surgery hair style. I wear it up in a high, but tight, messy bun. This way it is out of the way the first few days when I am feeling the worse.  I don’t have to worry what it looks like when I am at the hospital or at home when people come to visit. That is the great thing about a messy bun; it is supposed to look that way, even after days of having it up.

So here I go again, maybe this time will be the last…..

Pure Love

It could just be the brain chemistry pills finally taking full effect but I think 2013 is going to be a wonderful year! They always say, life is what you make it and we are going to make it wonderful!

We have some big plans and big changes coming up in 2013 that I think will shock and surprise everyone! It is going to be AWESOME!!! Being the planner that I am, plans have started but nothing will be announced just yet.

Happy Happy Joy Joy !

I did not think it was possible but Duste and I have truly become closer in the time we have had together this past year. It is hard to explain really but our souls really connected. At the same time I let go, I stopped holding myself back. That was one thing that helped to bring us closer and all the time we have had together. I was never holding back with Duste but I was always holding back when it came to everyone else. I worried too much what people thought and I am passed that now. There is nothing wrong with our love, in most cases it is stronger than others I know who are in marriages and have been for years. So get ready, 2013 is going to show the real me, no more hiding. My love, our love is real. Like it or not. We deserve what everyone else in love does and we aren’t going to sit around and wait for it, we are going to take it! We don’t care who likes it or agrees with it. Life is too short, open your eyes people and step out of your little box. The worlds a big place when you let your heart open up!

 

A few pictures....

I thought I would share a few pictures!

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas!

But wait, I don’t want Christmas to come! Duste said she will postpone Christmas, hold the calendar but I don’t think everyone will go for that. Not to sound like a baby but once Christmas time comes then my surgery will come too soon.  L

I am not looking forward to it but who would be right. The worst part for me is the waking up after—not knowing what to expect. But I have a plan, I have my big girl panties and I have Duste—I will be ok.

Now if the Doctor would just call back so I can talk to him about my plan. Since this is my third time I know what my body needs. It is sad but yes, I am getting good at this. I want my epidural, those are great, and my catheter put in before I wake up. Then I want control of the pain meds they are pushing in my body. I do not take well to the meds and usually go without once I have control of them.

My goal is to only be in the hospital one night—this can be achieved if they let me have control of the pain meds.  

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Surgery Plan

Surgery Day

Epidural with Catheter—put in before I wake up

I have control of pain meds being pumped into my body

2^nd Day

Take out catheter and epidural—in that order, early.

Switch over to pain pills if needed.
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It may seem like I am a control freak but it is for the best of my body. I have one goal and that is to get out in one night and that is in everyone’s best interest. Ha!  Duste and the Dr will have a copy of this so we should all be on the same page.

Being home in the care of Duste is so much better than being in the hospital. She takes very good care of me, better than any hospital staff. I just love her!

2012 has been an interesting year.

We lost our dog of 12yrs; we adopted our new baby at 7wks. Duste’s dad had some close calls with his health but now he feels better than he has in many years.  Duste career didn’t go as planned, but we are keeping the faith that 2013 will work out for us. We have been truly blessed to have had this time together; I feel so close to her. Words cannot begin to describe how thankful and lucky I feel. We have made a beautiful home together; it has really come a long way this year. More planed next year but we are nearing the end. For me personally I feel more stable and secure than I ever have. It feels great to let go and focus on me and mine!

I may not know what the future holds for me but I do know without a doubt Duste will always be there and that is enough. We can have hopes and dreams but we will always have each other.

My health has been an interesting issue this year—I have developed more pain in my joints and muscles and my exhaustion has increased. I have developed a 3^rd tumor and it will be removed the end of this year. I hope 2013 brings answers to some of the mysteries for me but either way I will keep on keeping on—yeah, I so just typed that! Ha!

My wishes for 2013:

I am wishing for Duste to have a wonderful secure job making it possible for me to stay home and therefore start planning a family of our own.

I am wishing for near perfection with the house, reaching complete perfection in the next year.

Good health and happiness for both of us, for Duste’s sake.

Stability—I love stability.

Of course if we lose a few pounds that wouldn’t be bad either!

 

Here’s to another interesting year—that is, if it doesn’t end on Friday 21^st!

Christmas Candy and Surgery Prep an interesting combination

 

Lucky for me my meds keep me at a nice even level--------just like that, ha!

 Typically I love Christmas and New Years. I love to bake, make Christmas candy, watch Christmas movies, drive around to see Christmas lights and take it slow so I can enjoy the time. I hate when you look back on the holidays and it is just a blur.

When I have a surgery coming up I go into survival mode and operate on Auto Pilot. I shut down both mentally and emotionally.

I keep reminding myself to wake up, pay attention it’s Christmas time!! It’s a daily, hourly battle but I keep fighting. I don’t want to look back during the long, cold, dark month of January and feel cheated.

My Duste has gone out of her way this year to make it special for me. She has bought gifts after gifts for me to open together and at her parents’ house--Extra Special Extra Good gifts this year! She has decked each room of our house out in Christmas Cheer—I tell ya, sometimes I sit on the potty a little longer just to enjoy the Christmas in the room! I am so blessed to have her.

This is my last week to work—I am taking Christmas week off for the Holiday and most of January for recovery. Being away from work gives me the time to enjoy the things that are truly important to me, my soul-mate and love of my life, Duste, our puppy Ivy and the home we have together. There is nothing better than spending a quiet evening together at home, doing a puzzle or sitting in the hot tub! I truly do cherish those times. I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything and can never have my fill of our time together. She is wonderful and I could never say enough good things about her!

Tumor, Desmoid Tumor

The pain comes and goes, my mobility slows. I have forgotten what it is like to need help. With winter comes ice, pay more attention to my feet, be careful not to slip. A fall could lead to another growth. Mobility is something you take for granted until it is taking from you.  My third tumor is growing, reaching out to destroy more muscle; as it grows too close to my hip bone. I will be glad when he is gone, before too much is taken from me.  

Typing a schedule of my medications so my honey can take care of me, keep up with when I get what.  Packing my hospital bag, but not for a perfect bundle, a girl or a boy. My stay won’t be so joyous but a miracle all the same. Everything the tumor touches; muscle and tissue must go as there is a 70% chance of recurrence right there where it grows.

Its Christmas time but no visions of sugar plums dance in my head, instead images of my body, damaged from yet another surgery. What will the result from this surgery look like, I wonder.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, shed myself of things I cannot change.

Let them fall to the floor like unwanted clothing that keeps my soul from breathing…..

Winter Time Blues

It started with decorating the new front porch and putting up the tree—it spread from there. Now the living room windows, stairs and doorways and flows into the dining room. Holiday cheer continues over the window, on the table, doorways and fireplace mantel and into the kitchen. Above the cabinets, around the window, on the door and a table runner on the bar, bright and sparkly red and gold! It is now spreading to the bathroom; it started with the toilet seat. The house looks so happy dressed up!

 

Surround yourself with bright, shiny, shimmery things when the world outside is dull and cold.

 

Next step is to make your home snugly warm, add a comfy couch, warm socks and fuzzy pj’s and don’t forget your over sized blanket. Now settle down and watch funny movies! Anything that brings a smile to your face and a giggle from your lips will do! Hell, you might as well take a nap or two!

  

This is the cure for the winter time blues!

Making Short Term Disability work for you—

Disability at my work --you get a fraction of what you would normal bring home. Oh and the best part, the first week you are off you get nothing. But I am so thankful we have it and I am able to take advantage of it!

Disability is paid in the month it is used—this would be helpful for January Bills.

Any time I work in January would be on my February check—not helpful for January Bills.

So, after stressing over it for two days I have decided to pay January’s bills out of savings then as I get disability checks they will go to pay back the savings acct. In the end, it should all come out in the wash!

Shew—glad I got that solved.

It’s so exhausting to deal with both personal and work life.

Speaking of exhausting—I am finding it hard to get off the couch after work. I feel like I could just sleep my life away. I have started taking lots of vitamins to help build my immune system and to give me a much needed boost. Unfortunately it takes 3wk or more to start seeing results.

I am taking a Multivitamin, B12, B50 and Vitamin C. I take the B50 and Vitamin C 3xs a day.  So far it’s been a week—so two more to go! I hope this helps, I could really use some more energy!

My love My Life My World

I’m 29 exhausted most of the time, have constant pain and have anxiety/depression issues. All this leads me to be cranky at times. But my baby stays by my side. I don’t have to be perfect, smile and be the life of the party, she loves me anyway. She is caring, loving, understanding and she is always there.

 Sometimes I whine, complain and act like a baby. Most mornings it takes 15mins or longer to get me out of bed, sometimes it takes that long to get me off the couch at night. I nap often, sometimes with no warning at all. She does her best to make sure I get to work on time and left alone for my nap time.

I am needy, lonely, moody and opinionated—but she puts up with it all.

I don’t know how she does it, putting up with me has to be a hard thing to do but she does it with a smile on her face. She has nursed me through 2 surgeries and soon to be a 3^rd. She is the only one I want with me when things get bad, sometimes just to be in the room is all the comfort I need.

She is amazingly strong, amazingly soft and very dedicated to our love.

  She worries too much about me, my health, my well being. She gets herself so upset with the what-ifs. But these episodes come infrequently because I throw a fit until she stops—ha!

I love you Duste Alijane Eggers! You are my world!

 

Prepping for Surgery—taking an active role!

First step—figure out how to save more money monthly because surgery is expensive and I need Duste to stay home and take care of me.

Phone/Internet—was paying near $63. I called company and explained I needed to lower my bill. The phone could not be lower as it is $25 so they gave the internet to me for half price. Saved $20.

              NetFlix/Newspaper—canceled both. Saved $15.59

              Cell Phone—cancelled Duste’s cell service for now. Saved $35

Cable—I did the same thing I did with the phone company. I got the bill lowered and now we are saving $52.

                                   Total Monthly Savings--$ 123!!! I call that success!

 Second Step—cook, cook, cook so I can have homemade prepared meals ready to go in the Freezer.

                       Post-Surgery Menu

                        Taco Soup—made with ground turkey

                   Beef veggie soup
                   Super Stuffing for baked taters
                 Meatloaf
                   Cheesy Sausage Casserole
                   Veggie Pizza

I cannot change the fact I have to have surgery but I can get myself, my life, my budget prepared for the inevitable.

The day after the news....

My one allotted day of feeling sorry for myself has passed. I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunshiny day, took a deep breath and smiled! Shit happens and this is my shit and boy is it happening. I may very well have to deal with this the rest of my life but one day I just may get lucky and it won’t come back…I suppose I should live on the positive side of life. True the end result could be the same but I will be happier in the process so that makes it worth it! Life can suck, life can be unfair but life is also what you make it! No more lying on the couch feeling sorry for myself, my happiness is important to me and I am going to do every little thing I can to be happy every moment I can.  

Truth is life is too short, I learned this when I had so many family members pass. I hate that I have to spend so much of my time at work but like most things in life it is just temporary. All I can do is make the best of the things I cannot change; like work and my tumors.

So everyone put on a smile, take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other trusting the path is still there if you can see it or not!

 

Another Desmoid Tumor

This is my 3^rd tumor, 3^rd surgery and the second time I have had a recurrences two years post-surgery, almost to the date. This is the second time I have felt great and been told I have another tumor.

All 3 of my tumors have felt different. The first one was a visible lump with stabbing pains and would cause my leg to hurt after too much activity. The second and third was an ongoing dull pain. With the second one I did have stiffness after sitting or standing for long periods. This 3^rd one has been trickier. The pain is mostly always there and sometime gets worse when it is cold. I did notice these last few weeks however, my sciatic nerve has been bothering me in my lower back—which now makes since to be my tumor growing and pushing more on my nerve.

I try very hard to be healthy and active. I have battling these 20lbs since my thyroid slowed around 2 yrs ago. I walk miles with my dog, I see a personal trainer and I go to Pilate's boot camp once a week. I have also been dealing with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for over 5+ years this plus the depression that picks up more in the winter does not make for a lot of motivation. But the good thing I got going for me is habit, once I get in a habit or routine I stick with it.  So that is the trick for me but it really isn’t paying off. I drag myself from work to work out, get home late, make dinner and go to sleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again—sitting through 8-9hrs of work feeling like I have taking a sleeping pill.  Did I mention I’m still in my 20’s? On a good note—Chronic Fatigue Syndrome doesn’t mean it’s every day—at least not for me,  so I get some good days and even sometimes a good week and those are the times I try to make the best of it!

This third tumor really has me thinking about my future and that is the hardest part, you can’t see past your hand when something like this happens. I have so many questions and no answers. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and soldier on. Hope this fog clears and I can at least see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

In the red and seeing red

Just what I need—a doctor to tell me how fat I am, over and over again and it has nothing to do with why I am there. The best part is when they don’t believe how much I do—personal training once a week, Pilates once a week and walking a mile 3xs a week. I am trying and have been since putting on these 20lbs.

 Instead of feeling bad all I can do is fix it.

 My plan is to cut back on the sugar in our cool aide until we can drink it sugarless. Then I will make the transition from sugar free cool aide to water. I am also going to limit the amount of pop I drink like I used to. First I will start with only one a day, then one every other day to either one a week or if needed two a week then one a week. Snacks are my next big hurdle. I really need to control the amount of snacks I eat at work. Candy really needs to be limited and back to 100cal snacks. Next is the frequency--if I could take my two snacks down to one and then hopefully none that would be great. Next up is snacking at night. There will be no more of that. To keep this from tempting me, I will no longer stock the pantry with my favorites. I have saved the hardest for last—my quantity of food. This is the hardest because you are completely miserable while your stomach shrinks but once it does it is easy!

So, that is my plan— with good intentions. We will see how far I get this time.

 I must admit the cold weather makes me crave the bad stuff and late night snacking. So this time of year is going to make it a little harder…

One step at a time….

Desmoid Tumor check

In 1 week I have my MRI to see if there are any signs of Desmond or Dezzie the Desmoid Tumors. I would love to say it has completely escaped my mind till now but I would be lying. Because I have frequent pain in the area I wonder. I have alerted my massager and chiropractor if they ever feel anything to let me know. It is hard to know what is normal pain and what is tumor pain, especially when I very little feeling left in that area because of all the nerve damage. These scans are both a blessing and curse, depending on the outcome.

I feel great. I believe all my pain is normal for me. There is nothing like a reoccurring tumor to make you second guess yourself. I even had a dream about it—which is probably just because it is on my mind but what if it was a physic dream preparing me….oh the shadow of doubt; push away push away but it always seems to stay. 

I want to believe I am past this and I will be tumor free for the rest of my life. Doesn’t everyone? But we never know what is around the corner for any of us. So, until next Tuesday I am going to try not to think about it and when I do, I will chose to see the positive. That is all I can do.

Winter decorations are up!

It took six hours on Black Friday but we got the inside and outside decorated! Yay!! As Duste says, it looks like Christmas blew up in here!

My house is truly where my heart is!

As I look around at what my house has become since the recent remodeling I can’t help but feel blessed! It has taken 4yrs, and more money than I care to remember, to get it to this point but it was worth it! My house is like a flower—a small plant when I bought it, slowly grew a bud and now it has become a beautiful flourishing flower! It has really taken shape and become more than even I could have imagined!

When we decided to buy a house we refused to become house poor and instead stayed within the budget of what we were paying for rent. No matter how much the bank begged we decided to buy below our allowed limit. I have never regretted that decision and because of that we have been able to go on vacations and make the house our own with personal changes that fit us!

Our house, as well as us, have grown so much over these past 4 years.

 This is going to be the house all family holidays happen, the house people gather—warm memories are being made here and for Keaton and all the future children this will be the only house these memories are surrounding. I like that, it makes my heart smile! I am happy to take over and be able to supply the children with a stable home that will always be; for my kids, for Keaton and for any others that may be in our family’s future. 

It’s important to me that my home is warm and inviting, lived in but nice and nicely put together. I love antiques but Duste will only allow usable antiques brought into the house, which is a good thing I must admit with babies, pets and family members. Now with the new layout of the house, I feel it is what is was suppose to be all along.

I hope we have made the past owners proud, as we tried to keep as much original pieces and keeping with the character of the house, after all that is why we fell in love with it! When buying antiques we not only keep in mind their condition and usability but also the date they were made.  I often buy pieces for rooms that aren’t done or even started—a piece here and a piece there—and when it comes time to bring them in and put it all together everything fits together like a puzzle. It’s like these pieces were meant for this house! Each piece has called to me and when this happens there is nothing Duste can do to talk me out of it and she is always happy with the results!

To say I have a connection with my house and my antiques would truly be an understatement! When I truly love something or someone I feel it on a spiritual level, in my soul…..

 

 

The End is Near....the end of remodeling for 2012 that is!

Our dreams house is coming along~

The upstairs is done for this year. Our contractor got the common room and hallway done and doors up for the other two rooms that will be finished next year! We painted and after the carpet went down we set up the room as a play area for Keaton. It looks so darn cute! I decorated the hallway in a family theme with a mother and daughter statue and family rules quotes on the wall.

We moved the living room and I am still in the process of rearranging the furniture. Today when I get home the new dining room will be painted and I am excited to get some of my dining room furniture moved in tomorrow!

 Over the weekend we moved out the table in the kitchen and replaced it with an antique I bought years ago. It is like a bar/butcher block type thing and it gives us so much more floor space! Love it!

The End of the house remodeling for 2012 is near~yay!!

This is next year’s list—

House Goals for 2013 and estimates

 Paint the house                                                    $2,000

Finished the two rooms upstairs                          $4,500
Build level fire pit area                                        $1,000
Replace fuse box                                                  $   ?
Rewire pool                                                          $   ?

 

I am hopeful I can get all of 2013 done with $8,000! We will see because if it is one thing I have learned living in a 100 year old house is things unplanned will always come up!

 

Future Goals

Build deck around pool
New roof and paint for garage (2) and shed (2)
Fix driveway
Replace 3 windows upstairs and 2 basement windows
Re-do downstairs bathroom

Our contractor always has a project at our house he can count on! Ha!

My big goal is to have the house completely finished by my mid 30’s. Then I will have more years to enjoy it then I did fixing it up!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love....

I love….

McDonald’s sweet tea, especially on an early Monday morning.

Peanut m&m’s, star crunches, cherry pop tarts, homemade hot chocolate and a half peanut butter sandwich—but not all at the same time!

I love cuddling in my flannel sheets with my favorite person and puppy! I love mid day naps!

 I love…

Sweats—comfy, fuzzy, soft lounge clothes! Fuzzy socks, soft blankets and fluffy pillows.

I love the month of October because of all the scary movies and cooler evening temperatures.

 I love my house and the love in it!

I love the early evenings that force me to slow down, take my time and enjoy the simple things in life.

But most of all, I love my Duste and Ivy Rose

WARNING--this might offend some or most

It really burns my biscuits…

When people get more in a tax refund then they put in. That is ridiculous. The government is rewarding the low income people who have children they cannot afford which encourages them to have more.  Very few of these people will save the money or use it for the child, most  just blow it on stuff they don’t “need” but “want”. This group of people most likely doesn’t know the difference between the two.

When people live on government assistance. It is a temporary service designed to help those who have fell on hard times while they get back on their feet—not those who are just too lazy to help themselves.

I completely agree these people should get drug tested to receive assistance, as well as every adult living in the house, and the testing should continue as long as they are getting assistance. I also think this program should be treated like unemployment—you can only be on it so long. What they buy at the grocery should also be controlled—I’m sorry but while I am paying for things you will not have unhealthy things. Because when you’re sick guess what bites me in the ass.

 

If we made these changes this would not only help financially but it would help the generations of children being shown this is how you live. The kids now have no drive to work for things, instead they want it handed to them and they want it now. These kids do not respect their things because they do not have to earn them which is why we have such a throw away culture.

Come on, wake up people—stand up and fight every day for a better life!

 

I was raised on welfare by parents who could not afford me or my sisters and we never seen a dime of that tax return. Get your head out of your ass America.

I am so lucky, I am so thankful

I have so much to be thankful for; so much I decided to write about it!

I have my health—I am in great shape, losing weight and strengthening/toning with Pilates/personal training and walking 4 miles during the week and 4 on the weekend with our baby Ivy Rose! My thyroid is stable and I am more emotionally stable then I have been in a long time.

I have my best friend and partner by my side—Duste is so great! She makes me whole, she makes me me and she makes me happy! She truly is my soul mate. I never get sick of spending time with her, I never want time away, the time we have together is never enough.  I never understood couples that need time apart. I never understood having away time. There is no one I rather be with than her! That has been the case since we were little and I don’t see it changing any time soon! She is the love of my life! I am so lucky to have found her and to be open enough to see it! She is perfect in every way. I have never spoken anything different. If I was with a man, I would never be happy and I would be one of those girls who needed time away and didn’t mind his guy time. Ha!

I have a wonderful Dog—Ivy Rose is our heart. She is 6 months old, attends dog school and puppy classes. She eats only the best dog food and treats. All this was very important to us when we decided to get another dog when our Sadie passed away. We would not be doing justice for Sadie’s Memory if we did not do all we could for the new one. We want to shape her to be the best dog she can be and we want to take an active role in dog ownership. There is nothing sadder than a dog that is mistreated or over looked and there is nothing more annoying than a misbehaved dog!

I have the home of our dreams—we were in our 20’s when we bought our house, not many people can say that anymore! We have never missed a payment and are very proud of that, not many can say that either. We took something that had lots of character and charm but was over 100yrs old and turned it into our dream home. We have done a lot of work to it and are continuing to work on it now but it is worth it. It is perfect!

For these things I am grateful—these things are the hardest to find! Because of my unrelenting pursuit of  happiness I have all this, because I would not settle, because I opened my eyes and looked past who society said I had to love, because I was willing to live like no one else early on I can now live like no one else!

We decided long ago we wanted to be in a good place before we brought children into this world. It was important to us to own a home, to have it the way we wanted, to have a savings account, to be able to make our bills every month without fail and to be debt free. We also wanted our time together, to make sure our bond was strong before our world changes with kids. When we have children we want to be able to actually afford them, something most people over look.

I have a blessed life. I am so lucky. I am so thankful!

 

Ivy Rose

A now it's time for some Ivy Rose Pictures! She is so adorable, I cant resist taking pictures!

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Still moving forward

I am happy to say I am still attending class! I even have a second class coming up next Saturday. It is a onetime class on Healing Energy. I’m excited and little nervous!

 We got the house organized and the clutter cleared out. We even made a little extra money selling some things. My next goal is to go through my closet. Did I mention I dropped a pants size? That is right, after two years of battling my thyroid weight I finally dropped a pants size! Woohoo!! I give credit to Ivy Rose, who walks on a leash very well now. We are walking 3 miles during the week and 4 on the weekend. I think that was the boost I needed!

We are gearing up for fall at my house! We are starting to close the pool and have the hot tub ready to go. Next weekend I am excited to put out the Fall Decoration on the Front Porch. This is the first year I am able to decorate the porch for the changing seasons and holidays. I will be sure to take pictures and post later!

 

 

Ivy Rose is 5 months old now! She is 30lbs and getting tall. She already comes up to my knees. She hasn’t had an accident in the house in a month and still sleeps through the night. She is still chewing like crazy and has taken a liking to my outdoor candles. She had her first vacation to Indiana Dunes last week and loved it! She did remarkably well! She loved the morning walks on the beach when she could run free. She loves doggie school and is going twice a week but will soon only be going once a week. She is crazy smart!

 Meanwhile on a relationship level I have never felt closer or more in love with my Duste. I find her irresistible! I love to watch her while she is driving with the sun coming through the windows—it makes me smile every time! I’m not sure why I feel so much closer to her, it could just be all the changes I am doing with myself. She is so perfect, made just for me she is!

 

Hope everyone can find happiness and love like we have!

Opening myself up—following my path

Go with the flow a friend of mine always says. When you’re on the right path, everything will flow smoothly and things will connect.

My anxiety on the other hand always wants me to stay in my comfort zone—a tiny little box with stiff sides and no room for growth. I know I need to follow where life leads me, especially when things are all connecting and intertwining, fitting together like puzzle pieces that will make up the picture of the new me.

 The unknown, the new can be uncomfortable. I find myself doubting, questioning myself. The anxiety is a powerful thing. A room full of strangers, lots of standing and speaking, I’m struggling with the work in class; those three things combined make it hard on me to follow through, to stick it out. Do I need to try harder or just give up and walk away?

I see my personal growth like a path stretching out before me. If I give up on this class, my path stops and I am forced to turn around and go back the way I came. That’s no fun, I have already been there. Maybe another path with fork off of mine but how long before that happens? This year is my year to grow…..to find the real me and to be comfortable with her, to do this I am sure there will be some uncomfortable moments.

I will keep going to class. I will have to work harder, relax more and be easier on myself. I can do this and this is what I should be doing….one foot in front of the other and breathe…..