Tuesday, June 28, 2011

What is with music now days?

Seriously, at the risk of sounding like an old person—WTF?!

What is with all this Techno BS? What is with all the computers and mixers going on? What happened to being able to sing live without any technological assistance? I am talking about singers, and I use that term lightly, like Katy Perry, Brittany Spears and Lady Gaga.

I miss the 'old days' when musicians were judged on talent and not looks?
I bet none of these "girls" could sing live in the park if their life depended on it!

I miss music—what they are playing on the radio can barely be compared to real music. What happened to all the genres of music—I miss choices. County, Rock, Punk, Southern Rock, Easy listening. Now everything sounds like everything else. Since when is Green Day considered Rock—are you kidding me? If that is what is considered Rock now days, I am done!

I sometimes listen to the new music station and think—one day, this is what they will be playing on the oldie station and that is sad! This is what the younger generations think music is? Those poor souls will never know that feeling you get when listening to Tom Petty, Eagles, Aerosmith, Guns-n-Roses, Stevie Nicks, Heart, Janice Joplin, Doors, Pink Floyd and Jimi Hendrix. Now that is real music and that is talent!

I was blessed with a dad and soul mom who really enjoyed good music. Music was always playing, and playing loudly, as I was growing up. In the house, in the car, outside—I remember many memories of a record playing in the house with the windows open on a hot summer day while I lay out in the sun with my soul mom. Summer is not complete without these wonderful REAL musicians still to this day! These musicians make up the sound track to my life, my childhood. I cannot imagine how sad it would be to say that about the "ladies" mentioned above.

I find that it is my job to expose as many younger people as I can to REAL music. I am proud to say at only a few weeks old my little Keaton Michael enjoyed himself some of these greats! Those loud guitars were the only thing that could soothe that colic baby—who can say that about computer generated music and singers?

Shooter Jennings

Monday, June 27, 2011

Keaton Michael Lauyans

Two Years ago on July 2nd my middle sister had her first baby. She was the first of my siblings to have a child.

9months before this I didn't take the news so well. I got that phone call from my sister after hearing that she was pregnant and not believing it. She was 19 and we hadn't talked since her graduation. (A few months back) To say the least I wasn't happy. I did not support her during most of her pregnancy. I instead chose to ignore it, like that would make it go away. But my point was to not celebrate this terrible decision she made by supporting her. I am sorry for that.

I don't remember exactly why but we started talking again when she was near the end of her pregnancy. We took it slow but our relationship soon fell back into place, but this time with a mutual respect we didn't have before. I had come to terms with the fact that a baby was to be born soon, like it or not.

The next life changing call I got I took much better than the first! It was July 2nd 2009 when Keaton Michael Lauyans came into our lives. I was amazed how much I could love and how fast. I could never imagine our lives without him. My sister has allowed me to be very active in their lives and I couldn't be happier! This little man has been the best thing for us. He has brought my sister and me closer than ever before and together with David and Duste we are raising one of the smartest and most wonderful boys ever to live on this planet. My sister and I have only hit one stumbling block along the way and it felt more like a brick wall, but we are back on track and back to supporting each other and the small family we have together.

                      Keaton Michael Lauyans turns 2 on July 2nd 2011—
                      whats that? I think I hear angels singing!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

--Searching for my Rainbow--

 I am done giving her advice, she does not take.

I am done listening to her bitch about her life and the messes she gets herself in, and never wanting to change.

I am done loaning her money.


I do not owe her anything just because I can manage my money better than her. Her situations are not my fault and I shouldn't be punished because of them.


I am not responsible for her happiness.

I am not responsible for her thoughts and feelings.


I deserve to be:

Loved, Respected, Appreciated


I do not deserve to be talked to this way. I do not deserve to get an email explaining all the reasons I am a terrible person and then told my response does not matter because that person is taking some time off and will not discuss it. That was an Attack—an attack on the one person that has been there for you and by saying you are taking time off after an attack like that is like saying a big "FUCK OFF—I do not care how my words affect you or what you have to say about it". I would never do that to you. I have never done that to you. When I took my time off we were fine, everything was fine and I just needed a break from the world—why do you take everything personal?


I am sick of having what I say twisted and thrown back in my face—people who love each other do not act this way.


My hurt is now turning to anger—I would rather feel anger than pain. I would rather be mad then cry.

I have so many questions—questions I will never get answered because you will never see that you ever did anything wrong. I cannot do this, I will not do this—I cannot have a relationship with anyone who is like this. Always walking on egg shells, always wondering when the next time will be that the floor falls out from under me.


You say I am not supportive. You say you cannot talk to me.


Hmm—but what about all the hrs spent on the phone at work, at home. You say I am so terrible to you but you can still ask me for money; you can still spend time with me and have family outings and cookouts?


I am saying right now I cannot be any more supportive—I help you financially, I help you with food, I listen to you always complaining—do you realize how draining you are? You are responsible for your own happiness—if you are not happy change things!!! You're not a child—you can figure this out!


I am done. I am done fighting. Life is too short for this. My happiness means too much to me.


I hope one day you can see what pain you have caused and what you have done. I hope one day you see how much things have changed inside of you and I hope one day you do something about that. No one can make you happy but you. I hope you can truly be happy, one day.


For now--I'm ready for my rainbow and here comes Duste to the rescue—she is great, she will not rest till my smile comes back, to my face and in my eyes!







Saturday, June 18, 2011


I knew something was coming when I looked out my bed room window and there was a dead baby bird. Something was coming, I could feel it.

I never expected this. I never thought of this—I should have known better. I should have seen it coming.

I set here with tear stained cheeks trying to make since of it. Trying to put those hurtful words together, like a puzzle, trying to understand them. I just don't understand, I don't understand. Your hurtful, painful, soul crushing words swirl around my head like a thick dust cloud. I cannot make out the words, I cannot understand.

I did not see this coming. I am so hurt, torn and broke. A new kind of broke but an old familiar one as well. I had completely let my guard down with you. I allowed you in-you're the only one who made it back in once the walls went up. I never thought you of all people, would do this to me.

I may act strong, but I am weak. Everyone has their breaking point. Everyone has a heart. Mine is broke, not fractured but broke. Do you even think of what pain your words will cause, do you even care? I built my life around you and him. My future always had you in mind. I wonder now if I ever meant that much to you….

The next step is one I do not want to think about. How can I when I know what I need to do. I do not want to, I do not want to. Isn't there someway this can just all go away, isn't there some way?

I stand here looking out at the house I thought was strong. The family we all built together, small but mighty. I never thought it would be destroyed from within. Now all that is left is the original one room cottage. That cottage kept me safe when all else failed. She is the only one I can truly count on.

I feel the numbness creeping in. Ahh, that familiar relief. Just shut down when the pain comes, just shut down. …….








Friday, June 3, 2011

Indiana Dunes

We had a wonderful Holiday Weekend! We went to Indiana Dunes and stayed in a lakeside cottage in Porter, IN. It was wonderful!! The cottage sat up above the lake and all the windows had a wonderful view of the water. We were so close you could hear the waves hitting the shore. One morning we watched it storm over the lake from the bed surrounded by windows! It was a beautiful sight! We were there for three days and each day was completely different. First day it was 60's, second it was 70's and the last day was in the 90's—only in Indiana! It was the best vacation and much needed! (We are already planning our return trip!) Here are some pictures!