Sunday, November 29, 2015

Final Day of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I struggled doing this daily. Often I would skip days I felt negative, not even wanting to mess with it. I would spend a few days catching up with several post and most of the time this pulled me out of my own head. I am determined to do these daily this second time around – I will record it in my journal. 

Day 29 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

It has helped me feel closer to my Center – but mostly it is helping me fight the demons in my own head. 

Day 28 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I LOVE this! To find something to be grateful for in every situation, even the unpleasant ones would be attitude altering!

Today we decorated the inlaws porch for Winter. It was cold but I had a great time hanging out with my wife; joking, playing, flirting – so today I am grateful for unplanned quality time with my wife! 

Day 27 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I want those in my immediate circle to know how much I appreciate them. I will work on letting them know how much what they do means to me! 

Day 26 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

When I focus on what I don’t have it leaves me feeling sad, depressed, hopeless and anxious. When I focus on what I do have – which is hard to do once I am in the negative cycle—I feel happy, excited and full of hope! Obviously I prefer to focus on the positive, it’s a hard habit to get into but I will keep trying!

Day 25 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I want to be a positive, grateful person who is light hearted and able to appreciate each day. I want to say more positive than negative things, say thank you more than I criticize and show those in my life how much I do love them. 

Day 24 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

I am going to make a serious effort at this – I know those around me would really appreciate it. I think this would really brighten everyone’s day and in turn make myself feel lighter inside. 

day 23 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

To live in gratitude to me means a person who is positive, light hearted, who is able to see the good in each day, each moment. I strive to be this person. 

day 22 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

I have a lot of work to do! I try to catch myself before I let the negative thought continue, stop it, then I try to replace it with a positive thought. Yes, it is hard. My mind things a million negative thoughts for every handful of positive….ugh! 

day 21 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

This would be a wonderful gift to everyone around you. To just acknowledge people, smile and say or do something nice. I don’t get out of the house much, by choice, but when I do I will do my best to make this a new habit. 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Day 20 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I’ve been given so many gifts throughout my life.

  • I have a beautiful home that will be paid off in under 15yrs.
  • I have an amazing wife who is my best friend and supporter – our relationship alone is something to be marveled at.
  • We have our future financially secure as well as the in-laws.
  • I had the mental strength and support to make the right decisions growing up not make the same mistakes those around me had.
  • My wife and I had the support of our family for our relationship.
  • We have the ability to pursue the chance to have our child.
  • My Last MRI was Clear – the first time I’ve made it to the 3 yr mark!
  • I got the time to develop close relationships with those who have now past. 

Day 19 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

Although, currently my family has shrank dramatically I am thankful for those I still have in my life. We may disagree, we may not always understand each other and we may not be the Classic Typically Family but it’s all I have so I am thankful for the few.

Day 18 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I think it is easy to get caught up in Negative Thinking. It is easy to think you will be more thankful when you are Happy – but it is the opposite. You first have to be thankful to be happy. That is a hard one right, to be thankful when you’re not feeling happy. It is hard to see anything to be thankful for when you are unhappy. But the truth is we all have a lot to be thankful for – from the simplest things to the big personal triumphs. 

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

day #17 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

I am in my head so much I often miss things around me. While taking my daily walks I started fighting to be in the moment. I make myself listen to the wind, the breeze in the trees, the birds and the wildlife. I make a point to notice the clouds, the colors of the sky, the playful wildlife and the trees. It is a continuing fight the entire time I am walking but I am hopeful one day it will be easier. 

Day #16 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

When family members started passing I realized it is important to tell those you love how much you appreciate them. I try to make it a habit to express this love and gratitude as much as I can.

My wife is the most important person to me. I appreciate her so very much. One letter would not come close to verbalizing this so I will continue to tell her and show her every day!

My Soul Mom Brenda was brought into my life when I was really young and has been a guiding force since.  I tell her often what she means to me and will continue to do so.

Although my in-laws cause me stress I understand how much they have done and continue to do for us. I am sure to thank the father in-law for all the help because it is something I wish he would do more of. 

Day #15 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

I think this is a balancing act with family. We do a lot for those we love which can lead to feeling used when these things aren’t acknowledged. Those in my immediate circle do make it a habit of saying Thank You and showing our appreciation to one another. But I am sure we all do little things that often go unnoticed.

I think this would be better for those who work outside the home. 

day #14 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

Good Memories

Our wedding day is one of my favorite memories. It was a beautiful October Sunday in Story Indiana and we were surrounded by our closest family and friends. It was the first time my mom, her husband, my father, his girlfriend and my soul mother came all together to support me. Everyone was on their best behavior and things went perfectly!

The day we bought our house is another. I was filled with so much excitement and pride! My soul mom, father and in-laws all came out to help with the moving, decorating and repair work.

My college graduation party was a wonderful day. We all gathered on a beautiful day at Brown County State Park. We chose the perfect shelter house and several people went early to decorate. We had a pitch in and enjoyed the day with a large group of family.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Day # 13 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

What is working in my life –

My marriage is working and working wonderfully! I am loved, supported and it’s because of her I want to be a better person.

My life at home is working. It was scary leaving my job to make that leap to just one income but it is working!

Our lifestyle is working – we haven’t gained all the weight back and it’s been two years since we started on this journey.

Our Life Together is working! 

What is working in the world –

We now have equal rights!

We now can be legally married!

I can now be covered on her Insurance! 

People around the world are finally waking up --

To realize animal cruelty is not the answer to quick/cheap food.
To seeing unrecognizable ingredients in all our products and asking question about these chemicals.
To understand the way society is set up is not working and it's time to do something about it.

Day #12 of the Gratitude Challenge

Trials –

The two big trials in my life are the circumstances I was born/raised into and my Desmoid Tumors. I use both of these trials to inspire others. I hope my message of Don’t Give Up, Keep Fighting comes through in my writing and when I talk to others. I know without either of these trials in my life I would not be the person I am growing to be.

I am not sure I would ever say I am thankful for my tumors. I am thankful mine were able to be surgically removed, that I still have my mobility and I did not have to deal with Chemo/Radiation. Because I had these rare tumors I reevaluated my health and lifestyle. It started me on the path of recreating myself inside and out, something I do not think I would have started doing in my early 20’s otherwise. Most importantly it made me Think --- think about what I was putting inside my body, what my choices were doing to this planet and inspired me to make better ones.

It would be easy to give up / give in and it is normal to have those thoughts but all of us have to keep fighting.  Fighting for our own happiness, fighting for a better life, fighting for health, fighting to just keep our heads above water. 

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Day 11 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

I will replace the words “God” and “Heavenly Father” with Goddess – because I know there's some guiding force in my life. I know there is a place I will be reunited with my loved ones but I do not feel comfortable assigning this force that identity.

I recognize a pull inside that leads me – to where I need to be, to who I need in my life and to the lessons I need to learn. When I stop to give thanks for all I have I can see this force has blessed me in so many ways.

It is important to pause and appreciate what you already have. It is easy to get caught up in the race to our next goal, to our next want. We seldom take time to enjoy all that we have fought for. 

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Day #10 of the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge

Benefit from gratitude –

  1. It would help me keep the dark clouds of depression, self-doubt and anxiety away.
  2. It would help me stay up beat, optimistic, positive and happy which would help boost my immune system.
  3. It would help me stay motivated and keep me on track to accomplishing my goals.
  4. It would help me relax so I can enjoy the wonderful love and attention my wife gives to me. 

Day #9 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

Saying Thank You—
  • Thank you for amazing facials
  • Thank you for the ability to walk
  • Thank you for yummy lunches homemade by my wife
  • Thank you for my comfy home
  • Thank you for the opportunity to stay home
  • Thank you for my wife –her love and support

Saying thank you’s have helped lift the dark clouds that have been gathering these past few days. It has helped me quiet the negativity in my mind. 

Day #8 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

At Least:
  • I don’t have to deal with chemo on my hip
  • I’m not as heavy as I was
  • I am able to walk
  • I don’t have to work
  • I don’t have to deal with work stress
  • I don’t have to deal with my sisters stresses/problems
  • I’m not being used, manipulated and lied to. 

This has helped put things in prospective for me. I took the things I am feeling frustrated about and turned them, which helped see them in a different light. It didn't change anything but it made me feel a little better about it. 

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Day #7 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

My daily chores are: Cleaning up the kitchen, Sweeping the floors and picking up after the wife.

It seems I am always cleaning the kitchen. I should be grateful to have a kitchen to clean, a wife and pets to pick up after. The wife makes mess when she is eating breakfast before she goes to work and when she makes my lunches for the week. I am grateful she has a job that allows me to stay at home, I am grateful for the yummy lunches I enjoy during the week to eat a home. I am grateful to have a home I love, a wife I am deeply in love with, my health and the time at home to be able to clean!

I am a lucky girl!

Friday, November 6, 2015

Day 6 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

I like all the things in my house -- from every piece of furniture to every play pretty but this is a list of the things I love!

Grandmothers' chair, pearls, owl necklace, shawl, old dishes, step stool
My wedding rings and all the jewelry my wife has bought me
The rocks and glass I have collected
My past pets ashes -- the tub of their things that is put away.

My life is rich not because of these things but for the love I have for these things. These things connect me to the ones I love, cherish and remind me of happy times.

I love all the jewelry my wife has bought me because she bought it for me and that's what makes it special. But my wedding rings are the things I cherish most. They remind me of the love my wife has for me even before I realized how deeply our love went. I can't bring myself to replace/upgrade them because of this.

I have things from both my grandmothers as well as from Duste's grandma. These things are treasures because we can physically touch them, reminding us of the ones we love and lost.

The love I have for my pets is without restraint. Having things that remind me of this important to me. It reminds me I can love truly, fully, deeply.

My rocks/glass I have no real logical reason to love but I do all the same.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Day #5 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

Think about things you take for granted everyday – not so long ago these things were thought impossible. Make a list of all the miracles you benefit from in a regular basis. How would it change your life if you look at and appreciated everything as the miracle that it is.

Electricity – not long ago there wasn’t electricity in homes. This miracle provides so many comforts and benefits to my life. It allows me to light and heat my home, enjoy TV, internet and radio, keep my food refrigerated, heat water so I can enjoy hot baths/showers and prepare my meals.

Electronics – TV is a miracle in itself and now we have HD and hundreds of channels. I enjoy the benefits of my tv every day. With my DVR, DVD and Netflix. It helps calm my mind, educated my mind and turn off my mind. Computer, Internet and Cell phones – these are new and how quickly we can’t imagine our lives without them. These tools help me connect with people, look up information and learn. This is a never ending resource of information.

Running water – helps me keep my family and house clean.

To see everything as a miracle would be freeing, exciting and give you a sense of wonder and happiness! To be Thankful for all these little miracles would bring attention to them making you appreciate and feel grateful for them! 

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Day #4 of the 30 day Grateful Challenge

Write a Thank You note to someone who has Rekindled The Spark inside of you –

--My wife has rekindled my spark so many times about so many things.

Dear Soul Mate, love of my life – my wife,

I want to thank you for all the times you have inspired me throughout our life together. You have rekindled that spark inside of me so many times. During these times you have expanded my mind and heart either directly, by showing me a new way to see the world or indirectly by allowing me the freedom to explore a new way of thinking. A simple statement or different point of view can lead to so many changes. We have had different experiences in life, different ways of looking at the world and it’s because of the differences I can grow and learn. I am so grateful to you for showing me, teaching me and supporting me in my journey.

Now and Forever –

                Your Wife 

Day #3 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears

--write what this could mean for you in your life

This quote says to me take time to appreciate the little things, focus more on what you have now – right now.
Imagine how this can change your thought pattern – focusing more on the good and less on the bad. 

We are programmed to talk about our problems and its considered bragging when we talk about the good. What if we switch these, how different would our lives be? 

It is difficult for me to find things to be grateful about because I thought it had to be big things but it doesn’t. It can be, should be, the small things – the wind/breeze, sun, leaves, walks, talks, homemade dinners, safe secure relationships, ability to grow, freedom to explore, hot tub on cool nights, heating pads, financial securities, ability to stay home and less stress.

A note that came out in my Soul Writing –
                Live in the moment, focus on the now more. Like when getting a massage—calm my mind                 and enjoy the moment, right here/right now.

Day #2 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

For 5 minutes write down everything you’re grateful for – do not let your mind wonder to anything negative.

My 5 minute list:

Pets—Ivy Rose and Diablo. The unconditional love they give me, the warm cuddles and the laughs they provide.

Home – our lovely wonderful comfortable loving home. The nest of security we have created. A roof over our heads that we truly love.

Family – having a supportive group of people around you is very important, no matter how small that group may be.
                Brenda brings positivity, guidance and a fresh perspective to my life.
                Inlaws bring a connection to the past, experiences and fun stories

Duste my wife my life – brings joy, supportiveness and reassurance, true undying love.

Health – we are both healthy and continue to strive to be healthier.

Good Food – we made a goal to eat healthier and we continue to meet these goals. Less dairy, less soy, less meat and more natural!

30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I have decided to take the Challenge -- the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge.

I want to be more positive and I want to be more grateful in my life. This is something I strive to do, to be, but never really put anything into practice. I read a lot about how changing your thoughts and your thought pattern can change your life but these two things are hard to change. Reprogramming your brain is difficult and takes daily practice. So here I go !

Day #1 Think of a time in your life when a trial became a blessing.

Failed Relationships – After a serious break up and not wanting to give up and go back to my first boyfriend I started dating who ever asked. It came to me that I was blocking my soul mate and I must have missed him because of my high standards. This resulted in a lot of bad dates with guys who didn’t deserve my time but I went in with an open heart ready to find my husband. When this didn’t work and I was alone again I felt hopeless, at a loss on what to do next.

Duste started suggesting we could be together and after several attempts I finally figured out what she was saying. That’s when my eyes opened – my answer was right in front of me. I WAS blocking my soulmate but not because my standards were too high but my vision of what that looked like was limited. My soul mate was a female, my happily ever after was her and she had been in front of me this entire time! All those heart broke nights, all that stressing, worrying and she was right there!

Looking back I can see something led me to her, something kept showing me this path and each time I would pass it to take another I was lead back. Until finally, I was ready to open my heart, my mind and slowly my eyes. My past relationships made me question love and in those relationships I deeply felt all the emptiness, all the unhappiness, all the unsettlement. However, without those failed relationships I wouldn’t appreciate her, I wouldn’t know what a gift she is. Without unhappiness can we truly know happiness? Without pain can we truly appreciate joy?

My path led me to her and without a doubt in my mind I know our love was meant to be. Our souls have loved one another for many lifetimes and will continue to do so. Each life time we find one another, drawn together by a pull from deep within, that’s our journey. My husband turned out to be my wife in this life time! 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Two Months of Separation....

It’s been two months (almost) since I’ve seen my two little boys. Two months since I’ve heard them call for me in their sweet voices, two months since I’ve held and kissed them. This is the longest we have been apart in Keaton’s 6yrs and Eli’s 2yrs of life.

It’s a shame I am being treated like someone who could/would harm them. I have done nothing but give my all for those boys, so much it was draining me financially and emotionally. But because their mother and I can no longer get along I am being punished. Why every time we disagree is that her first reaction? The boys don’t understand. The last time this happened and I did get to see Keaton again, it broke my heart when he said “adults shouldn’t fight, they should just love the kids.”

I put on a brave face during my daily routine. I don’t think of them as often, but they still cross my mind. However, at night my control over my emotions and thoughts is lost. I often have heart wrenching dreams of the boys, weeping uncontrollably, as I often did while awake when this first happened. Nights like those leave me feeling sad and drained.

When I don’t think it’s possible for my heart to break any more, it shatters again. The sadness I feel is unlike any other I have felt. My heart aches, my soul is devastated and the emptiness I feel doesn’t seem to be capable of being filled again.

To end this heartache I could just accept life on her terms but to do that would mean living the torment of these past 6 yrs all over again. I can’t go on like that. This is where I am stuck, for now. Maybe later on negotiations can start but for now I am standing up, sometimes while holding on for dear life, to make a change.  

I cannot be used, abused and lied to any more. I have to demand changes, I have to draw a line in the sand, and I have to set boundaries. No matter how painful it is, my happiness, my well-being is important. I cannot give in, no matter how badly I want to, or how easy it would be. In the long run this will be better even if it means tremendous pain.

I do not know what the resolution would be. It would be great if their mother and I function like separated parents, only communicating when it pertains to the kids. I being allowed to spend time with the boys during prearranged dates/times. Not being contacted at the last minute and expected to drop all plans. But it is hard for me to watch the boys being parented badly, so even this limited contact is hard on me. I do not know what the solution would be. I do not have the answer.

This is why my heart breaks over and over again.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Ch—Ch—Ch—Ch Changes…..

Here we go again, reevaluating and making some changes!

Change is hard, Change is challenging but change can also be freeing!

We are making two changes in our lives – our diet and our extended family.

Diet –
Our Diet have been changing for several years now. Around the same time I started this blog we made the change to “Happy Meat” which led to the change from beef/pork to chicken/turkey. Then we cut back on dairy because the other Mrs. Eggers became lactose intolerant.


We are now going dairy free!

We have found substitutes for Cheese, Butter, Salad Dressing, Cool Whip and Yogurt. We already use Almond Milk but because of ingredients I am hesitant on using it daily.


Taking soy completely out of our diets, right now, seems near impossible. Soy is like High Fructose Corn Syrup -- it’s in everything!! I am reading labels and choosing soy free when possible.

Green Tea

I am also changing flavored Green Tea – I was drinking Lipton with Honey flavored Green Tea packets but they are no longer offered locally or online so I switched to Crystal Light. BAD!! This brand contains artificial sweeteners!! So I found Lipton has Flavored Green Tea bags and we will add honey to sweeten.


We want to eat less meat so I am making one less meat meal a week. (I cook two meals a week – One on Monday that we re-eat on Wednesday and the second on Tuesday we re-eat on Thursday.) When we eat out we no longer eat Beef or Pork and opt for meat free when possible.

The Process

I got started by making a list of things we consume daily. I check all the ingredient and made changes where needed. That snowballed, as it usually does with Animal Cruelty Documentaries.
Hopefully these changes will continue to progress and come easily!

Extended Family –

Years ago, before this blog, I decided the people who do not contribute to my happiness, those who caused more unhappiness and undue stress had to be eliminated in my life. Since then I have been on the path to my happiness; I have stumbled, often more than once on the same road block but I am always moving towards my goal!

This is harder than any diet change. Typically with changes I am all in-- making changes rather quickly. I do my research, make up my mind and start moving towards my goal. However, with this change I am reevaluating before each step; not second guessing my decision just trying to find my way on this new path. There is no research to do, no documentaries to watch, just me trying to do the best I can with what I am given. I do not make decisions to cut out family members easily. I do think it through, I do try to see the bigger picture, imagining the end results of decision I am making.

Nothing will change if you keep making the same decisions you have always made.

I found myself at the usual fork in the road – I could chose the path I have taken before and end up right back where I am or I could take the other path. I decided to take the new path! I feel uncertain and sad at times, but I am going to trust my decision. So here I go – in unfamiliar territory. It is worth the uncomfortableness to be happier and have less stress.

Putting a stop to the way others treat you, especially when those others are family, is always met with resistance. Things will get worse before they get better.

BUT --this is my life, I deserve to live it and I deserve to be happy! 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015


It’s time to focus on me, it’s time to focus on my wife, our life and our pursuit of a baby.

This has been coming for years – it’s easy to track the progress on my past post, conversations I have had with close friends and the pain in my heart. I knew it was coming, I knew it was a choice that I would have to make, I knew I was avoiding the hardest decision of my life.

I couldn’t keep taking on all this stress, heartache and betrayal.
It’s time for me – it’s time to live my life!

I am done taking care of people, I am done being used. I have spent most of my life taking care of others who were not my responsibility to take care of. If I keep on this road I will never have time for me, for my life. What kind of wife have I been / will I be, what kind of mother would I be if I continue like this. This has to end, this has to stop.

So now I am changing my focus. It’s time to be 100% focused on my wife, our life and our future.
Change is hard, change is necessary.

My wish for the future – to have a relationship with my two nephews without being used, abused and stressed from the adults.

Maybe, just maybe, IF things dramatically change we can be a family again but I am not holding my breath.

It is what it is, they are who they are. IF anyone else caused me this much pain they would have been gone, for good, a long time ago. IF it wasn’t for those two precious boys I wouldn’t have put myself through this so many times. I can’t do this for another 6 years. Things have to change and change is happening now. 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

I am turning 32 on Friday!!

Who would believe it…. me 32….

And what else would a 32 year old concern herself with but death, finances and future security.

This year has been all about securing our future and the future of the in-laws. I have been working with them for months to get their finances in order.

When we stated this process the mother in-law had them near $20,000 in debt. After years of only minimal payments totaling over $600 monthly, making no head way on the actual debt, they were drowning.

I enrolled them in Debt Consolation program and lowered his monthly payments to half. We are slowly making progress.

Then we started the difficult talks about the future and their health. I had to start slow, which is why we are 5 months into the year and I am still working on it.

All the beneficiaries have been changed because of the mother in-laws diminishing mental health. Then we secured an insurance policy to pay mortgage payments for 3 years and a transfer of deed to Duste when the father in-law passes.

Now we are working on actual life insurance to pay for the funeral expense. Because of their age I had to look into policies through AARP. IF approved life insurance coverage will be $120 a month for both.

I also got the fun of price checking a gravestone and plots. This is the next savings goal for the in-laws.

Through all this it makes me aware of our future security. When we bought the house we got house life insurance, so at the time of either of our death it will pay off the house. Earlier this month we got a pleasant surprised to find Duste’s parents had life insurance on her since her early 20’s! So we changed the beneficiary and made note of it in our files. Now we are looking into life insurance on me. 

Next up – saving for plots and a headstone after renovations on the house are complete. None of this is fun but it is necessary. I do not want to be her parents’ age and in the same situation. I do want this to be done and over with so I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

So, that’s what I have been doing on my way turning 32…..

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Looking back…..opening my heart and letting go!

I finally ordered the Captain Phil Harris book. We have been fans of deadliest catch since season two and watched with broken hearts as Phil Harris passed away on screen.

I didn’t expect much, nothing life changing, just a book for fun and got through it in one night – 5hrs later. I have read other books about famous people—mostly Russell Brand’s books. Other than some giggles, I didn’t get much from it and expected the same.

However, I was surprised by this one.

Maybe it just hit at the right time in my life, as I am letting go of control of those I love. (the illusion of control and the lack there of) You see for some reason I was born with this uncontrollable desire to “fix” everything and everyone. I took responsibility--very seriously and extremely personal-- for everyone I loved, their wellbeing and their decisions. Unfortunately, I was born into a family of addiction and ciaos.

I have learned along the way to let go of those who were sinking me, keep these people at arm’s length and accept the relationship for what it was and stop expecting it to be something it wasn’t. But I just couldn’t let go of the responsibility I felt each time they screwed up, again and again. I felt embarrassed, unloved and like an afterthought in their lives. I took every bad decision they made very personal, as an attack against me. I felt like I had let everyone down by letting them screw up once more. (yes, I realize as I write this how ridiculous that sounds.)

A few weeks ago, at the end of my rope and unable to take any more, I searched for an answer. I needed to find a way to fix me. I was the only one suffering, the only one dealing with the stress and spirit crushing despair I was putting myself through and I had enough. Then I read it—a quote. I don’t remember exactly what it said but it was along the lines of: We are all on our own path, everyone here is on their journey and everyone’s journey is different.
Then another one and another one:

How simple is that? I love it!

Now back to the book—After reading this book and a few hours of sleep later, it came to me—my mother and father are both on their own journey too. Their addictions, life decisions and choices had nothing to do with me. They love me and did the best they could. It is what it is and it was what it was.

If someone wrote a book about my parents we wouldn’t look so good under the spot light either and although their decisions and motives could be scrutinized; I know they did what they had to do and they always love me the best they can.

Yes, it really has taken me 32 years to get to this point. There was a lot of anger, frustration and heartache to get through. I forgive my parents. I am no longer living to be a good example for my sisters. I am truly free from all this nonsense. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

MRI -- Desmoid Tumor

6 month MRI 3 years after my last Desmoid Tumor

I have been dealing with these tumors for 7 long years. This is the first time scheduling got screwed up. Seems the person who handled scheduling 6 months ago didn't do something right. 

When I didn't receive any paper work or phones call I knew something wasn't right. I called the day before to be sure everything was still going to happen—I was assured everything was fine.

I got there and registration didn't have me in their computer. Got down to radiology and they didn't have me on their schedule. I called, the lady at the desk called and someone dropped the ball. I was moments from walking out of the door not to return this year when they talked me into staying in the city for 3 more hours to have my MRI done at a nearby hospital. By doing it this way I would have to wait until Thursday for my results by phone. I knew the waiting would not be fun.

My anxiety was way higher than normal and after thinking about it, this was my first time dealing with this without my anxiety meds.

I am terrified of those words no one wants to hear: Re occurrence and Surgery.

Surgery is scary, recovery is tough and all this would delay the reason I am out of work—having our first child. It is very frustrating.

Then the phone rang…..

Blah, Blah, Blah—finally the words came I was waiting for…No re occurrence shown! Plus areas where surgery has been done is finally healing!!

It’s a new record for me—3 years since last surgery and no re occurrence!!

I am thankful, excited, amazed and beyond happy!! 

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Time off

 1,200 calorie Diet

Since I am taking two months off from the IUI Fun, I have decided to get my weight back in check. I am back on my 1,200 calorie diet and have since lost 10lbs! I have a month left and hopefully I can make my goal of 10 more pounds!

It still amazing me how many more steps a day I take now that I’m not chained to a desk! It was a struggle to get 10,000 steps a day while working a desk job. I would take breaks to walk 3 flights of steps, walk to the farthest bathroom when needed and use my lunch time to walk around the block. Most days I barely got in the minimal 10,000 steps a day. Now that I am home I am far exceeding this goal! Office work was truly killing me—physically, mentally and emotionally.

MRI of 2015

My first annual MRI, marking 3 years since my last tumor, is next week. Of course, I am doing the usual second guessing every ache and pain. Grr!! I, like most with these tumors, live with pain every day. My pain is caused by my active lifestyle but because of nerve damage and muscle loss, I cannot tell where or why.  Meaning I can’t tell if it is deep pain, muscle pain, sciatic nerve pain and so on. I usually don’t think much about it, until close to my MRI appointment.

Easter is this weekend—can you believe it!
I planned the Easter Lunch Menu, sent out request to each family as to what they should bring and have been aggressively cleaning house to prepare. A Family Gathering and Spring Cleaning in one month keeps me motivated! I would take cleaning my house over a good day at the office any day!


The list of Renovations for 2015 has been created and work will soon start! Can you believe we have lived here since October 2008, it is amazing to look back at all the work we have done.

Inside work to be done:

Putting in a standard washer/dryer complete with shelf behind and an antique mirror above! We will also be closing in the staircase to upstairs to help with the cooling of the space in the summer. I am hopeful we can also put a turn at the top of the stairs to open up the landing a little more. (plus add a custom baby gate because almost 2 year old Eli Joseph does not respect gravity.) The rest is just upkeep/management.
                                                               Outside work:

We are taking out the circle drive we put in years ago—it is not functioning well and in the winter completely useless. Instead we are connecting our driveway to the in-laws driveway making a large circle. By doing this we can also fix the drainage/sloping issue which is causing flooding in the garage when it rains. The garages will also be getting siding—a project we started last year—with some paint on the doors and new lighting, they should come out looking amazing!

We also decided to move the kid play area to the empty space where the pool use to be. It is already landscaped around and with the addition of some well-placed trees for shade it should be a wonderful place to play! (with lots of sand to dig in too, which is what Keaton Michael and Ivy have been using the space for!)

In the side yard, where the play area is currently located, we are putting the hammock and hammock chair—I have been trying to find a place for them since we moved in!

So excited for all the changes!