Saturday, January 31, 2015


Ovarian Ultrasound—

The results are in—I have 4 follicles! Three on the Left and one on the Right. Follicle sizes are:
Right side: 15
Left Side: 20, 21, 14
The doctor said she expects the 15 to be an 18 on the day of the IUI and maybe the 14 to make it too! My personal goal was to have at least two—one of each side because I figured that would increase our chances if we had an egg in each fallopian tube.
Our second IUI is scheduled for this Saturday January 31st at 9:30 am!! Super excited!! This could be it!!

Other News:

Blood work— I am still waiting for all the results of my blood work. So far the only thing found is I am deficient in Vitamin D but just by a little. Carolyn, at Natural Choices, says what I am currently taking is enough to supplement this. She is still very interested in seeing the complete results.

In-laws—it was moving day for the in-laws over the weekend. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, but moving is never fun. Now, all most a week later, we have them settled in with just a few more finishing touches needed. I got the main rooms decorated, complete with area rugs and the wife got the blinds, smoke detectors and C2O meter hung. It’s been exhausting but it’s all coming together very well! 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Future is so bright I have to wear shades!

After a mini melt down about hair loss—yea I have those every now and then! I decided to get a blood test, a full work up! I talked to Carolyn that runs the natural foods in town, I have been working with her over the years on a more natural approach to my health, and she suggested a few more in depth test for my thyroid. 

Off to the doctor I went with the list in hand and because I have an amazing Family Doctor he listened to all my concerns. Not only did he order the test I had listed he also order a few more. He wants to get the complete picture of my health since we are trying for a baby.  

I am super excited to get a complete picture of my health! Finally I will have answers and better yet, solutions to make me feel 100% again!

On the same morning I talked to my Baby Doctor and we have a new plan. (Have I mentioned how I love plans?) We are going to do a scan to insure a mature egg a few days before ovulation and better monitor my ovulation. 

So our next IUI will give us an even higher chance of success!!

 –We are so excited—

Things are off to a great start this week and it’s only Tuesday!! 

Failed IUI #1—

Well there you have it. First attempt failed. I got my period a day early so I didn’t waste a pregnancy test.

Breaking the news to my very excited, supportive wife isn’t something I was looking forward to, but she took it well-she just said that’s ok we will try again. How amazing is that?! I think I took it fairly well. I mean it is what it is. My heart sank but I just picked it back up and put it back where it was supposed to be. 

Instead of drowning myself with pity I treated myself.

For the first time in two weeks I worked out with out worry. I didn't have to worry about my temperature being too high, I simply worked out—enjoying every bead of sweat.  Then I came home and took an amazingly hot bath and for dinner I had chili dogs…Awe the glories of hot dogs! Over the weekend I also indulged in cheese burgers and enjoyed every bite! We also turned up the hot tub and will be enjoying evening soaking!

We have decide to try again immediately! This time we will make a baby! 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

A battle with myself

10 years ago my wonderful wife and I finally decided to be an exclusive couple. Although I knew this decision was perfect for me-it was where all my roads led back to; she was the one I felt safe, secure, and nourished by, she was my soul mate! All these thing I knew in my heart and it was with that knowledge I decided this is where I needed to be. BUT—with this decision I felt, strongly at that time, it would mean giving up the fantasy I had since childhood; the marriage, the house with the white picket fence and the kids. At that I time I couldn’t see how I could possibly have these things I wished for and have the happiness I deserved. So for a day I mourned—I mourned the life I had dreamt of as I child. After that day had passed I got up and moved forward with life.

At first I struggled with the label our love and relationship came with. I struggled with my self-image and I struggled with my own mental limitations. I struggled on my own issues.  But throughout all these struggles I NEVER regretted my decision! It took some time, longer than it should, but I finally got to a place of clarity. After a few opportunities, some chance encounters and patient friends/family, I finally came out to myself! (Everyone else knew)

Then something clicked in my head—I could have the house and the marriage! So, as I do, I found a way to get what I wanted. The house was the easiest. The marriage was easy. The name change, at the time, was a fight!  I jumped through all the hoops, I went in front of a judge and I got my last named changed! Once our marriage became legal in our state we married again (and again) but we did what we had to be legal! I was then covered on my wife’s insurance—something we only dreamed would happen!!!

It’s all about determination—I will always find a way, I will never let society tell me what I can’t have!

Then came the big one—a BABY!!

This is a HUGE one for me. I have always wanted to be a mother, I dreamed of having a baby of my own. But how could a same sex couple have that? So I buried this dream and moved on. Then we thought of other ways to become mothers.  BUT—after working where I did I let go of fostering. (I seen the bad side of that situation too many times) I knew we couldn't afford to adopt, although I have never really looked into it completely. 

Finally my sister came up with the idea of donor sperm and at home insemination. I wasn't as excited as one would thought with this. It took me so long to be OK with not having children. I had buried that dream so deep and had finally gotten over never having it, I didn't want to bring it to the surface just to have to get back to this place when it didn't work. But I jumped in and fell hard when it didn't work. 

Now looking back, I am grateful it didn't. We weren't ready, we weren't in the place we are now. After I healed from my heart ache—or so I thought—I started researching how to do it right. Everything was going great and we were super excited—then we had our first try. I immediately went into survival mode—preparing myself for it not working. Which led to the thoughts of it will never work and we will never have children of our own. I convinced myself all of it was out of my control and there is nothing I can do but be a helpless victim. That is never a good state of mind to be in.

So….with the help of a little bird named Margo

I have decided to stop all the negative talk. I have decided to take control of the situation in my mind. Why am I treating this any different than anything else I wanted? I DO have control, I DO have choices and I WILL NOT be a helpless victim.

Here is the plan:

Although, I REALLY want the experience of carrying our child I WILL consider other options.

IF our 3 tries do not work this time, I WILL reevaluate the situation.
                Is it possible to financially go beyond the 3 tries?
                Am I mentally able to go through more tries right now or do I want to take some time off?


I need to remember I have done the impossible many times!!

I think back to the girl I was 10 years ago. The girl who mourned the loss of her dreams. The only thing standing in the way of that girl and her dreams was that girl, not the world. The only thing standing in my way now---is me. Not sperm, ovulation or money. It’s the way I am looking at it. 

Where there is a will there is a way. I WILL find a way because this is what we want!

Just like we wanted to be married, to be on the same insurance, to have the same last name, to have our dream home and to have financial stability!      

This is no different!

I feel like Rocky right now—I just won the fight against my mind!!

Monday, January 12, 2015

IUI journey—First week….

The day--

My wonderful wife woke me up at 4:30am to test my ovulation before she went to work. As we had predicted, I was well on the way to ovulate and she got to skip work. But neither of us were able to get back to sleep. Instead I sent my wife off to do the weekly grocery shopping and to drop Ivy Rose off at school; while she was gone I snuck in a nap.

Once the doctor office opened we called—the doctor wasn’t at the south office so we had to make the appointment at their north office. We were there two hours early after a stop at our favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch!

Waiting in the silent waiting room, watching others coming and going I found myself entertaining us with silly text back and forth keeping us both laughing. Then our names were called. The procedure itself was quick with a little pain/discomfort when the catheter was inserted into my cervix and what felt like being threaded up to my throat! We took a moment to visualize our little swimmers going towards the egg and one making contact. (We would do this several more times throughout the evening)

On the way home we grabbed Subway, thanks to the Colts win the night before! We spent the rest of the evening relaxing in bed, in the new winter sheets, with a lilac candle burning and my diffuser loaded with stress release and relaxation oils!

Day 1 of the two week wait.

I finally got to sleep, although I was exhausted from the day’s events, sleep didn’t come easily. Back into the routine of everyday life, I got my wakeup call at the usual 7:30am from the wife. I had plans to keep myself busy by doing some deep cleaning. However, my body decided differently. I have found myself being very light headed. It could be the usual issue of fluid built up behind my ears, it could be the lack of water I drank the day before—either way, I am spending the day in bed enjoying everything like the night before. I have managed to do two loads of bed clothes resulting from changing to our winter sheets. I’m not nauseas, so breakfast and lunch wasn’t an issue—I hate when dizziness leaves you with that sick feeling and thankful that isn’t the case today. My wonderful Roomba cleaned the kitchen/bathroom floors and is recharging before he takes on the dinning/living room!

So far I have controlled my thoughts of the pending pregnancy. Never letting myself think about it too much. It is crazy to me when I think about have “average” couples can just have sex and it just happens to result into a pregnancy. How maybe most can’t pin point the exact moment that resulted in fertilization. How lucky they must be, to be able to live life never realizing they are in the two week wait. The doctors say just live life as you normally would, however who can really do that? I just had IUI done!! I wish I could see inside to see what is going on, isn’t there a scan for that by now? Instead we sit around for two weeks to find out if the period for the month will show. This is crazy-there has got to be a better way, or at least there should be—what are we cavemen? (Ha!)  

Day 2, 3 and 4—

I wasn't feeling well at all this week. Light headedness kept me in bed. I am taking Benadryl and that seems to be doing the trick of drying things up. These past few days I have managed to get a least one chore done each day, mostly in the morning when I’m feeling at my best. It is crazy how dirty this house gets with just the two of us!
I have found myself to be on Auto Pilot. I’m not thinking much at all. It might be the Benadryl that leaves me feeling spacey but it just may be my way of coping. I do focus, in short burst, on the strong baby that may be growing inside me. Sending as much positive energy as I can to where a baby would be.
Sometimes the thought and feeling come in, thinking how great it would be if our first try worked. How exciting it would be to get a positive pregnancy test. How happy this news would make the people in our world. We have a lot of people praying, lighting candles, meditating and so on for us and our child to be. But I don’t let myself get too excited or to feel too much, just in case.
Can you believe we are only at day 4!!

6 days after IUI—

As my pending period nears, (8 days away) we started talking about the next step IF my period comes. We talked briefly about the injectable and pills the doctor mentioned. The thought of doing shots doesn't thrill me and as I gather information from the internet, the price tag doesn't either. Before we started this journey we agreed we would only give it 3 tries. That is the max the doctor will try before they suggest you move up to more aggressive, and more expensive, options.

Our first attempt was with IUI alone. That with donated sperm cost $1,000.
IUI with injectable and pills, from what I gather, will be around $2,000-$3,000 (or so)
The next step—IVF is $10,000 without sperm which is around $800.

None of these offer 100% chance of working.

We will not go on to IVF, I just can’t even think about a debt that high. However, we do have the option to do our next attempt with drugs, being injectable with pills, together they really increases the odds you will conceive. (They both trigger your body to make several eggs and release those eggs at the same time) I have read lots of horror stories of what these things do to your body, mood and emotions and I worry my sweet wife will not be able to handle me. Introducing chemicals to your body forcing it to do things can’t be good.  But it would be short term. I have also heard the pills can decrease the thickness of your lining making it hard to get a viable pregnancy. So many choices which you have to figure in the cost of each. We want a child, but I don’t want to put us back in the poor house forcing me back to work to keep us afloat. That seems to be counterproductive.
It’s a scary thought, only having three chances to get it right. If all three fail that means we will forever be childless. What would that even look like, what does that really mean? We are would be old and alone, forever without a child to call our own….I can’t even imagine and that is why that hasn’t occurred to be as an option.

I have found a way when it comes to anything I have really wanted but this is something I cannot control, the doctors cannot even control. It is completely depended on your body, on chance and on a small window of time. No amount of money, no amount of research and no way around what just has to happen in your body. How frustrating is that!
I’m going to end this post now before I completely depress myself!

7th day---

I officially was the worst wife over the weekend. Saturday I was nagging, nothing could make me happy and everything she did drove me crazy! I did have a few moments of clarity and managed to be a half ass wife. Oh but then there was Sunday. Sunday I was the silent wife, which my wife tells me is worse than nagging. I hate that, I hate the way I acted and treated her. She is awesome, wonderful and amazing! She tried her best to do everything I asked, never lashing back at me. At 9pm on a Sunday night, the night before she had to get up at 4:30am, I finally broke my silence. My poor sweet wife stayed up until 10:30 letting me say my ridiculous fears and What If’s out loud.  She finally found something to shut me up, she used my words against me. She said, if it is in our life plans to have a baby then we will. Well shit! So there’s that……

Today’s plan: I am getting myself out of bed, regardless of how I feel. I have to be active. I have to get some of this energy out! When the wife gets home we are going to the gym. I can’t sit here anymore!

Here’s to a better today and an even better tomorrow!!

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Preparing for our IUI Journey....

As we near the start of our first IUI journey emotions are running high. I don’t allow myself to think about it too much, knowing all the thinking I will be doing during the two week wait. In fact, I have saved some deep cleaning chores and visits with my wonderful Brenda May just for this reason.

A few thoughts running through my head:
The heartbreak I will feel deep in my soul if I start my period. Not looking forward to that let down.

Now on the other end of that—if I don’t start my period, worrying throughout the first trimester that I will miscarry. Then I am sure I will worry that something could go wrong beyond this point. I don’t know how women do it! The worry doesn’t stop there, then you have to worry about the mystery of SIDS!!

I’m exhausted from all this worry I haven’t started worrying about yet!

So—it’s time to push away the worry and focus on the positive. The truth is most, if not all, of this is out of my control, which is why I worry about it. I have to let go and just go with it, focusing on the positive as I go! Positive thoughts, Positive thinking…..

Keep in mind here, I am close to being fully off my Anxiety/Depression meds now.

Although I have been extremely predictable on my ovulation I continue to monitor for hopefully my last month. Currently I am being woke up early every morning by my wife shaking me and saying “Wake up and Pee on a Stick!” There is something unnatural about getting up before the sun does!

The wife is going above and beyond by feeding me healthy fertility foods/meals. She also has a list of Healthy Pregnancy foods and I am sure she will soon have a breastfeeding meal list! She is so sweet!

For Christmas she got me a Fertility Spell Necklace and a Fertility IUI Bracelet, we are doing everything we can for success! You can’t just rely on Science only, at least we can’t!