Monday, February 27, 2012

Duste’s Birthday~

 A few weeks ago Duste told me a story about her childhood. It is hard to imagine after all the years she still has stories I haven’t heard. She was young, elementary age, and one day she came home to find a Pet Canary! She was so happy and loved listening to it sing. A few days later, she came home to find the bird was gone. Her mother had gotten rid of it because she didn’t like its singing. This was nothing new for her house. Her mother often got things and then gotten rid of them, no matters who it belonged to or how that person felt about it. She treated Duste’s belongings like her own and her room as a common room in the house. Duste would often come home to find her things moved, changed or missing. Beds, radios, dresser nothing was off limits. She also told me a story about her Aloe plant. She got a small aloe plant from the grocery store and watched it grow. This plant was in her room and grew to be 3ft tall! She was so proud of that plant. Then her mom decided she didn’t want it in her house anymore. She made Duste plant it outside knowing it would never survive an Indiana Winter. Duste was so upset when it died and never came back.

 So, what is a loving partner suppose to do with these two stories; get Duste an Aloe plant and a Canary of course!

I grew up with birds. I have had finches, parakeets, doves, cockatiels, love birds and blue cheeked conur. I swore I would never get another bird just like I swore I would never again own house plants, any more fish or another cat….needless to say, I am collecting houseplants again, a feral kitten broke his way into my house and my heart and  I am thinking about a fish. There is just something about these few things that I cannot distance myself from. So, I now swear I will keep these things under control. Only get one bird and keep it till it dies, a few houseplants I can take care of and that can stay healthy and really really try to resist that fish!

I have never owned a canary before so I did lots of research—that’s just what I do, well that and plan! We picked out a cage that would be good for the bird and the d├ęcor of the house. Chose a place to hang the cage and got it all set up. Then we went, a week early, to pick out the bird. He is a 5 month old Waterslager Canary named Conway Tweety! We started playing Canaries singing on YouTube for him and he quickly picked up new notes and songs. Duste just loves him, she can’t get over him! She also loved the Aloe plant but it isn’t as entertaining as Conway Tweety!

 Oh the things we do to make each other happy!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Winter blues, burn out at work, loss of a loved one…

I don’t know what you would call it but I am done. Done with work; done with the people at work, done with the issues at work. Done. Once I am away from here I am happy again. But can we really live our lives for two days, Saturday and Sunday? What a waste of 5 days or 4 in my case because I have Wednesday off. Life is too short to be rushing through it just so you can get to the weekend.

There was a time I liked my job but working with social workers in a counseling agency can take its toll on you. I feel like I am working back at the day care but this time the children are old enough to be my mother and sometimes grandmother and you cannot discipline them. I am constantly making sure everyone is doing what they are suppose to be, doing in on time and are the happiest they can be while doing it. It is exhausting emotionally and mentally.

Working in an office, especially with 25 females, is a lot like being an actress. You have to smile, when you want to cry or scream. You have to say everything is fine, when you want to pull your hair out.  You have to be polite when what you want to do is have a mad fit. I feel so damn fake because for 9hrs a day I am not being true to me. I am being who they want me to be. I am acting and reacting the way I am suppose to, in a way that will cause very little issue because that is all we need.

I am exhausted. I am unhappy. I need out of here.

I used to care. That is what scares me, I just don’t care. I don’t care about the clients. Most of the time I am aggravated and annoyed by what my coworkers say or do, to the point I have to go on and on about it at home or in endless emails to my mom.

I want to be happy. I do not like this anger the builds up inside of me.

I read books after books about happiness. Maybe something will click.

I want to go down in my hours and then completely leave all together. I want to stay home with Keaton while his mom works. I want to spend my day experiencing life through the eyes of a 2yr old. I want to take one day a month and spend it with my mom Brenda. I want to have time to enjoy life before it is all over. I do not want to work my life away, never taking the time to enjoy it.

I don’t like to say when I get this I will be happy or when this happens I will be happy. I want to be happy right now, in this moment.

In this moment there are plenty of reasons to be happy.

I have my wonderful second half at home working hard to finish the special touches on our new room addition. She works so hard to make me smile. She is unemployed right now. The “dream job” laid her off almost 6months ago. The say the call will come soon. We are waiting. It is scary for your future to be wrapped up in one place, your fate and future determined by one phone call. But in the mid west they are it. They are the only chance we have at the type of home life we want together, the type of life that comes so easily to other couples. (Sigh)

I have a wonderful home. Where everything I have envisioned is coming true. It is a real home. Not a new manufactured home but a built by hand from one man’s vision and it is all ours! It is home. It is where we will always be. I feel so happy when I write my address on a form and know this will always be our address! This is the home, the house, Keaton will always remember. It will be where all his childhood memories are at. The same will be true for our children one day.

I have a wonderful person I call mom, but who isn’t blood related to me. She is my dad’s ex girlfriend. But from the beginning we were more than that. She is so special. I really hope I am able to give her a grandchild one day. I want so badly to have my children grow up around the people who made a difference in my life. There are very few left now.

I have my sister. She loves me. She is the only one who understands the past that we share. The sadness and emptiness that is there now. We are a team. Trying to raise Keaton, her son, better than we were and the best we can.

I have my special little man Keaton Michael. He is my heart! His face lights up when he sees me and he yells out my name “NawNaw”! He makes any bad day a good one! I am so thankful to be such a big part in his life.

I have two amazing vacations planned for this summer. Two days away, just Duste and I. Laying on a warm beach with the sound of waves hitting the shore. I love to get away, I love adventure!

I have a lot more to be happy about I am sure I am not seeing right now.

I will pull myself up. I will be happy. This will pass. …..

Our Dream the making!

October 2008 we bought a house. For our price range it was a nice home with lots of character. It’s an older home, around 100 years old. The last addition before we bought it was done in 1930 by the handy man that lived there. So, to say the least there was a lot of work to be done.

Immediately we replaced the furnace, central air unit and hot water heater. The heat went out New Years day 2009 and the air wasn’t far behind. The hot water heater would give you 10mins of hot water and if you did dishes that day you were out of luck on a shower that night. We also replaced the kitchen counters and carpet (Both a lovely shade of blue) and added a circle drive for the safety of our guest. Not to mention all the painting we did in each room!

Eventually we replaced all the flooring with hardwood, ceiling lights with fans, the roof to metal, replaced/repaired 3 windows, had insulation blown in, new gutters put on, bought a new water pump/tank for the well, had electrical updated, fix the drainage problem in the garage and added a dishwasher.

Outside we did lots of landscaping as it was a bare canvas of over an acre. We put up a privacy fence and added lots of trees, bushes and flowers. We also got our first real above ground pool, unlike the Wal-Mart specials we had at the rental.

 Last year we enclosed the front porch to have an entry way in hopes adding a porch back on. Well, that was easier said than done. I had to pay over a $100 to ask to ask permission to build on to my own house. You read that right, I had to pay to ask if I could ask to build a porch. This meant I paid my money, filled out the mounts of paper work then had to ask a panel of city code people if I could have my porch back. After 2hrs they said yes! I went to that meeting like I was preparing for war—war for my dream! But before the front porch could be built we added on a room to make the front of the house flush. This room would be the walk in closet/laundry room (currently my laundry room is in my pantry). I am so excited to get all the additions done so we can paint the house! There is nothing like a nice coat of paint and a change of colors to make the house look better than ever!

Our biggest projects are coming up just because they are all we have left. We are going to redo the bathroom with new fixtures. (Our current fixtures are from a trailer in a bathroom is the size of a bedroom which makes them seem all the smaller.) I want a large soaking tub, a two person walk in shower, a double sink and a normal sized toilet that I could get replacement lids for. The second big project is the attic. It is a large emptiness with 8-10ft ceilings right now and the only way up in a tiny hatch in the top of a bedroom closet. We want to turn this into two bedrooms, a common room and a bathroom. We are hoping to get the first steps, literally, this year by adding a staircase and possibly floors.

One of the rooms upstairs will be Keaton Michaels play room which will free up a room downstairs that will be turned into a living room, my current living room turning into a formal dining room.  I am so excited to see my visions turn into reality as each improvement is being made. It may not be where or what we daydreamed about when we talked about owning a home but this will truly be our dream home customized by me and my partner in life! Anything we can dream we can make happen and let me tell you we dream big!