Two Months of Separation....

It’s been two months (almost) since I’ve seen my two little boys. Two months since I’ve heard them call for me in their sweet voices, two months since I’ve held and kissed them. This is the longest we have been apart in Keaton’s 6yrs and Eli’s 2yrs of life.

It’s a shame I am being treated like someone who could/would harm them. I have done nothing but give my all for those boys, so much it was draining me financially and emotionally. But because their mother and I can no longer get along I am being punished. Why every time we disagree is that her first reaction? The boys don’t understand. The last time this happened and I did get to see Keaton again, it broke my heart when he said “adults shouldn’t fight, they should just love the kids.”

I put on a brave face during my daily routine. I don’t think of them as often, but they still cross my mind. However, at night my control over my emotions and thoughts is lost. I often have heart wrenching dreams of the boys, weeping uncontrollably, as I often did while awake when this first happened. Nights like those leave me feeling sad and drained.

When I don’t think it’s possible for my heart to break any more, it shatters again. The sadness I feel is unlike any other I have felt. My heart aches, my soul is devastated and the emptiness I feel doesn’t seem to be capable of being filled again.

To end this heartache I could just accept life on her terms but to do that would mean living the torment of these past 6 yrs all over again. I can’t go on like that. This is where I am stuck, for now. Maybe later on negotiations can start but for now I am standing up, sometimes while holding on for dear life, to make a change.  

I cannot be used, abused and lied to any more. I have to demand changes, I have to draw a line in the sand, and I have to set boundaries. No matter how painful it is, my happiness, my well-being is important. I cannot give in, no matter how badly I want to, or how easy it would be. In the long run this will be better even if it means tremendous pain.

I do not know what the resolution would be. It would be great if their mother and I function like separated parents, only communicating when it pertains to the kids. I being allowed to spend time with the boys during prearranged dates/times. Not being contacted at the last minute and expected to drop all plans. But it is hard for me to watch the boys being parented badly, so even this limited contact is hard on me. I do not know what the solution would be. I do not have the answer.

This is why my heart breaks over and over again.

Ch—Ch—Ch—Ch Changes…..

Here we go again, reevaluating and making some changes!

Change is hard, Change is challenging but change can also be freeing!

We are making two changes in our lives – our diet and our extended family.

Diet –

Our Diet have been changing for several years now. Around the same time I started this blog we made the change to “Happy Meat” which led to the change from beef/pork to chicken/turkey. Then we cut back on dairy because the other Mrs. Eggers became lactose intolerant.

Dairy

We are now going dairy free!

We have found substitutes for Cheese, Butter, Salad Dressing, Cool Whip and Yogurt. We already use Almond Milk but because of ingredients I am hesitant on using it daily.

Soy

Taking soy completely out of our diets, right now, seems near impossible. Soy is like High Fructose Corn Syrup -- it’s in everything!! I am reading labels and choosing soy free when possible.

Green Tea

I am also changing flavored Green Tea – I was drinking Lipton with Honey flavored Green Tea packets but they are no longer offered locally or online so I switched to Crystal Light. BAD!! This brand contains artificial sweeteners!! So I found Lipton has Flavored Green Tea bags and we will add honey to sweeten.

Meat

We want to eat less meat so I am making one less meat meal a week. (I cook two meals a week – One on Monday that we re-eat on Wednesday and the second on Tuesday we re-eat on Thursday.) When we eat out we no longer eat Beef or Pork and opt for meat free when possible.

The Process

I got started by making a list of things we consume daily. I check all the ingredient and made changes where needed. That snowballed, as it usually does with Animal Cruelty Documentaries.

Hopefully these changes will continue to progress and come easily!

Extended Family –

Years ago, before this blog, I decided the people who do not contribute to my happiness, those who caused more unhappiness and undue stress had to be eliminated in my life. Since then I have been on the path to my happiness; I have stumbled, often more than once on the same road block but I am always moving towards my goal!

This is harder than any diet change. Typically with changes I am all in-- making changes rather quickly. I do my research, make up my mind and start moving towards my goal. However, with this change I am reevaluating before each step; not second guessing my decision just trying to find my way on this new path. There is no research to do, no documentaries to watch, just me trying to do the best I can with what I am given. I do not make decisions to cut out family members easily. I do think it through, I do try to see the bigger picture, imagining the end results of decision I am making.

Nothing will change if you keep making the same decisions you have always made.

I found myself at the usual fork in the road – I could chose the path I have taken before and end up right back where I am or I could take the other path. I decided to take the new path! I feel uncertain and sad at times, but I am going to trust my decision. So here I go – in unfamiliar territory. It is worth the uncomfortableness to be happier and have less stress.

Putting a stop to the way others treat you, especially when those others are family, is always met with resistance. Things will get worse before they get better.

BUT --this is my life, I deserve to live it and I deserve to be happy!