Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Looking back…..opening my heart and letting go!

I finally ordered the Captain Phil Harris book. We have been fans of deadliest catch since season two and watched with broken hearts as Phil Harris passed away on screen.

I didn’t expect much, nothing life changing, just a book for fun and got through it in one night – 5hrs later. I have read other books about famous people—mostly Russell Brand’s books. Other than some giggles, I didn’t get much from it and expected the same.

However, I was surprised by this one.

Maybe it just hit at the right time in my life, as I am letting go of control of those I love. (the illusion of control and the lack there of) You see for some reason I was born with this uncontrollable desire to “fix” everything and everyone. I took responsibility--very seriously and extremely personal-- for everyone I loved, their wellbeing and their decisions. Unfortunately, I was born into a family of addiction and ciaos.

I have learned along the way to let go of those who were sinking me, keep these people at arm’s length and accept the relationship for what it was and stop expecting it to be something it wasn’t. But I just couldn’t let go of the responsibility I felt each time they screwed up, again and again. I felt embarrassed, unloved and like an afterthought in their lives. I took every bad decision they made very personal, as an attack against me. I felt like I had let everyone down by letting them screw up once more. (yes, I realize as I write this how ridiculous that sounds.)

A few weeks ago, at the end of my rope and unable to take any more, I searched for an answer. I needed to find a way to fix me. I was the only one suffering, the only one dealing with the stress and spirit crushing despair I was putting myself through and I had enough. Then I read it—a quote. I don’t remember exactly what it said but it was along the lines of: We are all on our own path, everyone here is on their journey and everyone’s journey is different.
Then another one and another one:

How simple is that? I love it!

Now back to the book—After reading this book and a few hours of sleep later, it came to me—my mother and father are both on their own journey too. Their addictions, life decisions and choices had nothing to do with me. They love me and did the best they could. It is what it is and it was what it was.

If someone wrote a book about my parents we wouldn’t look so good under the spot light either and although their decisions and motives could be scrutinized; I know they did what they had to do and they always love me the best they can.

Yes, it really has taken me 32 years to get to this point. There was a lot of anger, frustration and heartache to get through. I forgive my parents. I am no longer living to be a good example for my sisters. I am truly free from all this nonsense. 

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