Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Two Months of Separation....

It’s been two months (almost) since I’ve seen my two little boys. Two months since I’ve heard them call for me in their sweet voices, two months since I’ve held and kissed them. This is the longest we have been apart in Keaton’s 6yrs and Eli’s 2yrs of life.

It’s a shame I am being treated like someone who could/would harm them. I have done nothing but give my all for those boys, so much it was draining me financially and emotionally. But because their mother and I can no longer get along I am being punished. Why every time we disagree is that her first reaction? The boys don’t understand. The last time this happened and I did get to see Keaton again, it broke my heart when he said “adults shouldn’t fight, they should just love the kids.”

I put on a brave face during my daily routine. I don’t think of them as often, but they still cross my mind. However, at night my control over my emotions and thoughts is lost. I often have heart wrenching dreams of the boys, weeping uncontrollably, as I often did while awake when this first happened. Nights like those leave me feeling sad and drained.

When I don’t think it’s possible for my heart to break any more, it shatters again. The sadness I feel is unlike any other I have felt. My heart aches, my soul is devastated and the emptiness I feel doesn’t seem to be capable of being filled again.

To end this heartache I could just accept life on her terms but to do that would mean living the torment of these past 6 yrs all over again. I can’t go on like that. This is where I am stuck, for now. Maybe later on negotiations can start but for now I am standing up, sometimes while holding on for dear life, to make a change.  

I cannot be used, abused and lied to any more. I have to demand changes, I have to draw a line in the sand, and I have to set boundaries. No matter how painful it is, my happiness, my well-being is important. I cannot give in, no matter how badly I want to, or how easy it would be. In the long run this will be better even if it means tremendous pain.

I do not know what the resolution would be. It would be great if their mother and I function like separated parents, only communicating when it pertains to the kids. I being allowed to spend time with the boys during prearranged dates/times. Not being contacted at the last minute and expected to drop all plans. But it is hard for me to watch the boys being parented badly, so even this limited contact is hard on me. I do not know what the solution would be. I do not have the answer.

This is why my heart breaks over and over again.

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