The day--
My wonderful wife woke me up at 4:30am to test my ovulation
before she went to work. As we had predicted, I was well on the way to ovulate
and she got to skip work. But neither of us were able to get back to sleep.
Instead I sent my wife off to do the weekly grocery shopping and to drop Ivy Rose
off at school; while she was gone I snuck in a nap.
Once the doctor office opened we called—the doctor wasn’t at
the south office so we had to make the appointment at their north office. We
were there two hours early after a stop at our favorite Mexican restaurant for
lunch!
Waiting in the silent waiting room, watching others coming
and going I found myself entertaining us with silly text back and forth keeping
us both laughing. Then our names were called. The procedure itself was quick
with a little pain/discomfort when the catheter was inserted into my cervix and
what felt like being threaded up to my throat! We took a moment to visualize
our little swimmers going towards the egg and one making contact. (We would do
this several more times throughout the evening)
On the way home we grabbed Subway, thanks to the Colts win
the night before! We spent the rest of the evening relaxing in bed, in the new
winter sheets, with a lilac candle burning and my diffuser loaded with stress
release and relaxation oils!
Day 1 of the two week wait.
I finally got to sleep, although I was exhausted from the
day’s events, sleep didn’t come easily. Back into the routine of everyday life,
I got my wakeup call at the usual 7:30am from the wife. I had plans to keep
myself busy by doing some deep cleaning. However, my body decided differently.
I have found myself being very light headed. It could be the usual issue of
fluid built up behind my ears, it could be the lack of water I drank the day
before—either way, I am spending the day in bed enjoying everything like the
night before. I have managed to do two loads of bed clothes resulting from changing
to our winter sheets. I’m not nauseas, so breakfast and lunch wasn’t an issue—I
hate when dizziness leaves you with that sick feeling and thankful that isn’t
the case today. My wonderful Roomba cleaned the kitchen/bathroom floors and is
recharging before he takes on the dinning/living room!
So far I have controlled my thoughts of the pending
pregnancy. Never letting myself think about it too much. It is crazy to me when
I think about have “average” couples can just have sex and it just happens to
result into a pregnancy. How maybe most can’t pin point the exact moment that
resulted in fertilization. How lucky they must be, to be able to live life
never realizing they are in the two week wait. The doctors say just live life
as you normally would, however who can really do that? I just had IUI done!! I
wish I could see inside to see what is going on, isn’t there a scan for that by
now? Instead we sit around for two weeks to find out if the period for the
month will show. This is crazy-there has got to be a better way, or at least
there should be—what are we cavemen? (Ha!)
Day 2, 3 and 4—
I wasn't feeling well at all this week. Light headedness kept
me in bed. I am taking Benadryl and that seems to be doing the trick of drying
things up. These past few days I have managed to get a least one chore done
each day, mostly in the morning when I’m feeling at my best. It is crazy how
dirty this house gets with just the two of us!
I have found myself to be on Auto Pilot. I’m not thinking
much at all. It might be the Benadryl that leaves me feeling spacey but it just
may be my way of coping. I do focus, in short burst, on the strong baby that
may be growing inside me. Sending as much positive energy as I can to where a
baby would be.
Sometimes the thought and feeling come in, thinking how
great it would be if our first try worked. How exciting it would be to get a
positive pregnancy test. How happy this news would make the people in our
world. We have a lot of people praying, lighting candles, meditating and so on
for us and our child to be. But I don’t let myself get too excited or to feel
too much, just in case.
Can you believe we are only at day 4!!
6 days after IUI—
As my pending period nears, (8 days away) we started talking
about the next step IF my period comes. We talked briefly about the injectable
and pills the doctor mentioned. The thought of doing shots doesn't thrill me
and as I gather information from the internet, the price tag doesn't either.
Before we started this journey we agreed we would only give it 3 tries. That is
the max the doctor will try before they suggest you move up to more aggressive,
and more expensive, options.
Our first attempt was with IUI alone. That with donated
sperm cost $1,000.
IUI with injectable and pills, from what I gather, will be
around $2,000-$3,000 (or so)
The next step—IVF is $10,000 without sperm which is around
$800.
None of these offer 100% chance of working.
We will not go on to IVF, I just can’t even think about a
debt that high. However, we do have the option to do our next attempt with
drugs, being injectable with pills, together they really increases the odds you
will conceive. (They both trigger your body to make several eggs and release
those eggs at the same time) I have read lots of horror stories of what these
things do to your body, mood and emotions and I worry my sweet wife will not be
able to handle me. Introducing chemicals to your body forcing it to do things
can’t be good. But it would be short
term. I have also heard the pills can decrease the thickness of your lining
making it hard to get a viable pregnancy. So many choices which you have to
figure in the cost of each. We want a child, but I don’t want to put us back in
the poor house forcing me back to work to keep us afloat. That seems to be counterproductive.
It’s a scary thought, only having three chances to get it
right. If all three fail that means we will forever be childless. What would
that even look like, what does that really mean? We are would be old and alone,
forever without a child to call our own….I can’t even imagine and that is why
that hasn’t occurred to be as an option.
I have found a way when it comes to anything I have really
wanted but this is something I cannot control, the doctors cannot even control.
It is completely depended on your body, on chance and on a small window of
time. No amount of money, no amount of research and no way around what just has
to happen in your body. How frustrating is that!
I’m going to end this post now before I completely depress
myself!
7th day---
I officially was the worst wife over the weekend. Saturday I
was nagging, nothing could make me happy and everything she did drove me crazy!
I did have a few moments of clarity and managed to be a half ass wife. Oh but
then there was Sunday. Sunday I was the silent wife, which my wife tells me is
worse than nagging. I hate that, I hate the way I acted and treated her. She is
awesome, wonderful and amazing! She tried her best to do everything I asked,
never lashing back at me. At 9pm on a Sunday night, the night before she had to
get up at 4:30am, I finally broke my silence. My poor sweet wife stayed up
until 10:30 letting me say my ridiculous fears and What If’s out loud. She finally found something to shut me up, she
used my words against me. She said, if it is in our life plans to have a baby
then we will. Well shit! So there’s that……
Today’s plan: I am getting myself out of bed, regardless of
how I feel. I have to be active. I have to get some of this energy out! When
the wife gets home we are going to the gym. I can’t sit here anymore!
Here’s to a better today and an even better tomorrow!!
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