Wednesday, January 14, 2015

A battle with myself

10 years ago my wonderful wife and I finally decided to be an exclusive couple. Although I knew this decision was perfect for me-it was where all my roads led back to; she was the one I felt safe, secure, and nourished by, she was my soul mate! All these thing I knew in my heart and it was with that knowledge I decided this is where I needed to be. BUT—with this decision I felt, strongly at that time, it would mean giving up the fantasy I had since childhood; the marriage, the house with the white picket fence and the kids. At that I time I couldn’t see how I could possibly have these things I wished for and have the happiness I deserved. So for a day I mourned—I mourned the life I had dreamt of as I child. After that day had passed I got up and moved forward with life.

At first I struggled with the label our love and relationship came with. I struggled with my self-image and I struggled with my own mental limitations. I struggled on my own issues.  But throughout all these struggles I NEVER regretted my decision! It took some time, longer than it should, but I finally got to a place of clarity. After a few opportunities, some chance encounters and patient friends/family, I finally came out to myself! (Everyone else knew)

Then something clicked in my head—I could have the house and the marriage! So, as I do, I found a way to get what I wanted. The house was the easiest. The marriage was easy. The name change, at the time, was a fight!  I jumped through all the hoops, I went in front of a judge and I got my last named changed! Once our marriage became legal in our state we married again (and again) but we did what we had to be legal! I was then covered on my wife’s insurance—something we only dreamed would happen!!!

It’s all about determination—I will always find a way, I will never let society tell me what I can’t have!

Then came the big one—a BABY!!

This is a HUGE one for me. I have always wanted to be a mother, I dreamed of having a baby of my own. But how could a same sex couple have that? So I buried this dream and moved on. Then we thought of other ways to become mothers.  BUT—after working where I did I let go of fostering. (I seen the bad side of that situation too many times) I knew we couldn't afford to adopt, although I have never really looked into it completely. 

Finally my sister came up with the idea of donor sperm and at home insemination. I wasn't as excited as one would thought with this. It took me so long to be OK with not having children. I had buried that dream so deep and had finally gotten over never having it, I didn't want to bring it to the surface just to have to get back to this place when it didn't work. But I jumped in and fell hard when it didn't work. 

Now looking back, I am grateful it didn't. We weren't ready, we weren't in the place we are now. After I healed from my heart ache—or so I thought—I started researching how to do it right. Everything was going great and we were super excited—then we had our first try. I immediately went into survival mode—preparing myself for it not working. Which led to the thoughts of it will never work and we will never have children of our own. I convinced myself all of it was out of my control and there is nothing I can do but be a helpless victim. That is never a good state of mind to be in.

So….with the help of a little bird named Margo

I have decided to stop all the negative talk. I have decided to take control of the situation in my mind. Why am I treating this any different than anything else I wanted? I DO have control, I DO have choices and I WILL NOT be a helpless victim.

Here is the plan:

Although, I REALLY want the experience of carrying our child I WILL consider other options.

IF our 3 tries do not work this time, I WILL reevaluate the situation.
                Is it possible to financially go beyond the 3 tries?
                Am I mentally able to go through more tries right now or do I want to take some time off?


I need to remember I have done the impossible many times!!

I think back to the girl I was 10 years ago. The girl who mourned the loss of her dreams. The only thing standing in the way of that girl and her dreams was that girl, not the world. The only thing standing in my way now---is me. Not sperm, ovulation or money. It’s the way I am looking at it. 

Where there is a will there is a way. I WILL find a way because this is what we want!

Just like we wanted to be married, to be on the same insurance, to have the same last name, to have our dream home and to have financial stability!      

This is no different!

I feel like Rocky right now—I just won the fight against my mind!!

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