Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Death is a hard thing to deal with, isn’t it? I don’t think anyone ever deals with it well or gets used to it. I hate death. It seems I have had a lot of death in my family these past few years. The big C word has claimed two very important women in my life and has its grip on one more. Two others went because of things that could have been avoided. (one accident and one alcohol)

Grandma--Carol Joan Burnett (dad side)

It all started when I was 20 and my grandma on my dads side died. She died at home, a long and drawn out process. She died of cancer. The cancer that killed her started in her pancreas. She was the first person I was close to that I lost. I hate the death bed. I hate standing there and not knowing what to say. I hate watching the person I love fade away. My grandma’s death was very traumatic for me. I remember being in denial about it. I remember being forced to go to her viewing and funeral. For months after I would pick up the phone to call her only to realize I could hear never her voice again. It took years before I could bring myself to look at pictures of her. Then it happened again--a few years later.

Grandpa--JT England (mom side)

My grandpa. There are so many emotions that come up when I think of him. It was the only positive male role model in my life that was constant. My grandma and grandpa raised me (mom side) through out my childhood when things got too rough at home. I was lucky enough to have spent a lot of time with him. Unlike my sisters who were 15 and 10 and primarily raised by their parents. It is sad that they did not have him in their lives longer. He was a great man! He died from a car accident when a man, late for work, ran a stop light and “T boned” him. He spent a month in the hospital before we decided to take him off life support. We never got to hear his voice again. I miss his gruff voice. I miss all his childhood stories. My heart aches for my grandpa.

Grandma--Jewel Wood (soul mom’s side aka step mom(hate that word, step)

She was a beautiful woman, both inside and out. She was always sweet and positive. She always made you feel good about yourself. She was always smiling and her laugh was contagious. Her laugh would light you up from the inside! She was a wonderfully genuine, truly good person. She also died from cancer. Ovarian cancer.

Duste’s Grandparents--only a few years apart--Grandpa Wesley Andrew and Grandma Silvia Jane Eggers

They were the cutest couple. He was wide and strong but turned into a gentle teddy bear with her. Silvia was a delicate womanly woman. She was a wonderful cook and gardener. She had beautiful flowers. They grew bigger and brighter than they I thought possible. Grandpa Andy went out of his way to make sure she had large areas to grow in. He kept busy in their many acres. I don’t know how many times we went out there for weenie roast over a bon fire! He loved to read and always looked up everything he was told by a doctor. Duste has a lot of her grandparent traits. She is always planting flowers, trees and shrubs. Duste always loves to read and when not gardening she has a book to her nose. She is also known to research any diagnoses given by a doctor. She makes me smile.

Aunt--Penny Lynn England (mom’s side)

Aunt Penny was the life of the party in our family. She was upbeat and funny. We always had Aunt Penny around growing up. She was a lot of fun, I enjoyed her company. She died of a broken heart after her father, my grandpa, died. She drank herself to death. Such a sad, sad way to go. We all tried to make her snap out of it but the alcohol took hold and we all lost.

My Grandma Anne England (mom side) is still with us but no one knows for how long. After grandpa passed she has had a hard life. When her youngest daughter died she was never the same. She developed breast cancer and beat it. Now, it is a tumor on her brain, that has shrunk, and ovarian cancer, although she has no ovaries. She does not want any more chemo and the doctors will not operate. We are not sure how much longer we will have her in our lives. This is hard to think about. I hate this.


  1. Looking back at those lives who has a positive impact in your life is important and I too find myself doing that around this time of the year.

  2. Thank you for your kind words!