Thursday, May 24, 2012

Putting feelings to words—

I am so overwhelmed. So why is it that people need more from me now? Why is that more things pile up when you are already under so much stress? Are the problems really as big as they seem or does it just look that way from down here? My chest feels tight and sometimes it is hard to breathe deep. I feel all tight, like a ball inside—unable to relax and breathe.

I worry about Sadie. I watch her every move, listening to her every noise. When she rest I watch her breathing and listen for any sounds. I am always listening; even when I am suppose to be sleeping. I question every decision I make for her. Am I doing enough for her, am I doing too much? When is it enough? I don’t want her in pain but I don’t want to give up on her too soon—but I am not sure how long I can make it. Bone Cancer is Bone Cancer; it eats away at her bones the holes will be getting bigger causing more pain. She is already taking the max on her pain pills so it’s only downhill from here.

So many questions—how long do we have, how fast is this moving?

I need a mental vacation my Duste says and that is exactly what I am going to do. She will be taking all calls for me—to be a blocker for all the un- needed stress. Maybe I will be able to catch my breath again, maybe I will be able to relax, and it helps when I see that Sadie is as well.

This is hard, this is one of the hardest paths I have ever taken—I just need to remember I am not alone, Dust is walking right next to me…..

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