Social Anxiety and Mild Depression

The diagnosis is in, it is official—I’m on medication.  I fought a hard battle not to have any mental illness but I have lost. Depression runs strong in my family; parents, siblings and cousins all suffer from it. This social anxiety I’m not sure when it started but it got worse recently. I was shy as a child; could that have been the start of it?

 I am ready now. I am ready to get better; I am ready to feel better! The future is bright once again—with this help I will make it out of the dark clouds that seemed to have moved in and never left. I am so excited to feel happy again! 2-6wks she said it would take to start feeling the good vibes but until then I have my instant sunshine pill that get me through.

I feel…..like I am able to breathe again. The tightness, aggravation and worry are gone. It is so nice to know I am on the road to recovery!

Everything is going to be alright….it really is!

                      *Ivy is going to grow and be a wonderful healthy dog.

                      *Duste is going to get called back and hired on when the time is right for us.

                      *I will get to leave my job.

 Every day I will put one foot in front of the other getting me a step closer. I will take a deep breath and enjoy my life one moment at a time….because everything is going to be alright!

Miss Ivy Rose

Little Miss Ivy Rose is a handful! She was 10wk old and 7lbs when we picked her up from her foster home on Friday June 15^th. It was a two hr drive of anticipation to meet her! Her foster parents were so sweet and she was the smallest one they had at the time. We were shocked by how small she was! We have never had a puppy this young or small before! The two hr ride home she slept and only woke because she had to potty!

Now a week later we are all adjusting fairly well to each other and the daily routine. She is doing better at night in her crate—she sleeps with a Snuggle Pup and has two night lights and a sound machine. Her crate is in our room so she doesn’t feel so alone. She is getting on a schedule of only waking once at night, after holding it 5hrs and wants to get up to play at 6:30am. She goes out for a long walk and plays until around 7:30 and then likes to sleep for an hour or two. We are trying to encourage her to take naps in her crate but most of the times she has a different plan. We have also started crating her for short times during the day when neither of us can be home with her. She does very well during the day! We always make sure she has gone potty and is worn out by lots of play before she goes in. We have learned there is a balance of naps –too many or too long and she keeps us up all night, too few or not long enough and she isn’t happy. So we are still learning! We are working on not chasing the ducks or chickens and about 90% of the time she does great. She is still learning her boundaries with the outside and inside cats; they are quick to remind her. Ivy is getting better at walking on a leash and learning what certain words mean. She is very close to being house trained. She will not potty in her crate, in the car or on furniture but when she is playing in the house she won’t always let us know when she has to go. We are working on this by following her around the yard and giving her treats when she “goes” outside. She has quickly caught on and will look up at you when she is done, waiting for her treat. She also learned her name by the second day! She is a really smart girl

and I think she will take to training really well!

Ivy Rose starts Puppy Preschool Thursday July 5^th! We are so excited! She will also be going to Doggie Daycare once she has had all her puppy shots and is 4 months. We thought that would be a great way to get her socialized with other dogs. After she starts Daycare we will enroll her in Beginner Obedience Classes. She is a very busy girl but we are hoping all this will help her be a good girl and help us be better owners. We are also reading lots of Cesar Millan books!

We are eager to see what she looks like when she gets older—how tall when she be, what will her face look like?

I am really trying hard to go with the flow of things—my anxiety is still a little high from all the stress of the last few months but I am doing my best. Sometimes the anxiety still gets the best of me but I am a firm believer in “Fake it till you make it!” Meaning if I go through the correct motions at some point that will become the new normal and feel more natural, it has worked for me many times in the past!

Duste has been wonderful through all my issues and reactions. I don’t know how she does it—sometimes I act so bipolar it is crazy. But those are the times I am trying to fake it then my anxiety takes over. She is always right there with me doing her best to make things better and to make me happy, taking all the crap I give her when my true issue is with myself or someone else. I hate that I put her through so much. I am seriously considering going to a Dr to get a better grip on this. I don’t want to be put on pills, I don’t want to have to take another pill but I can’t keep doing this to her. I love you Duste and I am sorry I am such a mess~I am trying to fix it, I swear! I would be so lost without her….

Fighting back that black cloud

It is so hard to stay positive when so many things aren’t going that way. Some days seem to suck the life right out of me. Too much, too much is going on. I am ready for a break from it all. I want things to get back on track and start going uphill—it seems we have been stuck down in the muck for a while. I try to remove myself from the situation, step back and look at it from afar. But inside I feel like I am in survival mode not among the living but with my head down and my feet planted firmly in the ground, bracing myself from the strong winds and rain. I wish I could just take a step but every time I try the winds start howling and try to blow me down again.

Things have got to start going our way again soon—the tide has to change—the storms will pass. Something has to give. A friend at work shared a quote with me and its now on my desk.

Accept—then act.

Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you have chosen it. Always work with it, not against it…this will miraculously transform your whole life!

I’m usually a fighter but I have been really trying not to fight with the direction the water of life is taking me. I am trying to accept it and make the best of it—I have been for several months now. But you can only doggie paddle for so long before your arms get tired. Mine feel like they are going to fall off!!

Come on sunshine, break through those clouds already. Winds push those clouds away; I need some clear sky days! I want to live and get out of this fog….

Everyone thinks getting this new puppy will help, I sure hope so but making me feel better isn’t going to solve all our problems. We need the powers that be to look kindly upon us…. Maybe this puppy is a step in the right direction a stepping stone on our new path—one can only hope.

 I’m done with all this—all this stress, sadness, hurt, complications. I ready for some happiness, gratitude, happy full hearts and smiles!

I haven’t given up. I will swim again, I just need to rest. Duste’s a great swimmer, she will save me. She always does.  Without her I would have drowned years ago…..

Mixed Emotions

It will be 3wks this Thursday that I had to say goodbye to my Sadie, my dog of 12 yrs. When I allow myself to think back to that day it still rips at my heart. Instead I try to think of all the good times we had. It all seems like a blur. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself she is really gone. When I see her picture I remind myself what her fur feels like, what her ears feel like….on warms days I remember her smiling face with bright brown eyes looking up at me. Days ago we got Chopper’s urn out and placed it next to Sadie’s—both have pictures on the front. It is bitter sweet to look up at them both.  All the pain that comes with owning pets, all the heartache and yet here I go again.

We are making a 2hr drive on Friday to meet our new furbaby. She is a bullboxer—part boxer part pit bull. She is exactly what we were looking for and she is only 2 months old. We are going to name her Ivy. We pulled out Sadie’s toy box complete with Sadie’s toys and some new ones and one of Sadie’s favorite beds. We have bought her a new collar and leash and a little bed to go in her crate—where she will be sleeping at night while we potty train her. We bought Blue Buffalo dog food—puppy large breed—because we want to start with the best. We watch what we put in our bodies why wouldn’t we watch what we give her? We are going to give her a mix of Blue Buffalo dog food and cooked chicken with veggies. We also have plans to put her in Doggie Daycare once a week when she is a little older so she can get socialized with other dogs and training will be coming soon! We are older now and know all the mistakes we made with Sadie and we will do better this time. Of course that isn’t always silencing the panic I feel from time to time. Oh the fun “What If “panic is back….this always pops up after I go through a death.  (Continually repeating to myself, everything will be ok…)

Now on to a different story—just because it bothered me so much….

Last week my dad texted and asked if he could bring the boys over to swim. I said sure, without thinking I haven’t even attempted to clean the pool yet this season. Before Saturday came my sister’s family decided to also come over but they would help me clean it. We scooped for 2 hours then decided to come in and make dinner—by this time dad was late. But we all know irresponsible company always show up when you start cooking dinner! We put all the food away and set out on the porch. Not only did my dad show up with the boys he came with his girlfriend, the baby, the oldest daughter and her boyfriend—whom I have never met.

Now let me just say, in case you don’t know this about me: When I have company, especially for the first time, I like everything to be in its place and clean clean clean! Of course, this was not the state of my house, my yard or my pool. This really really bothers me. I spent Saturday night thinking about it and first thing Sunday morning we started working in the yard and pool. That damn pool is going to need daily care to get it presentable and I am going to be lucky to have it ready in time for Keaton’s 3^rd Birthday Party! And there is one more thing I have noticed about myself—when I am around lots of people (people that are not my family or people that I am not comfortable and used to being around) I have a hard time communicating with all of them. Let me try to explain this—I will hear someone say something and I have something I can say back but I let someone else answer them because I am busy talking to someone else. (Ok, that didn’t come out right either) I do not feel shy but I am unusually quiet when I am in a group of said people. It’s like I can only communicate with a few so when more than I can communicate with are present I pull back or just focus on the kids. It’s not because I feel shy—which I was when I was younger—it feels different than that. I don’t know. Like at work when we are in a group meeting everyone takes turns talking, so I can hear the conversation and then I have a chance to respond—I do fine with that. But in a everyday group gathering people are talking over here, over there several conversations going and I can’t keep up with them all so I don’t even try. During some of these occasions my mom or sister have said my name and asked me something again because I didn’t answer. It’s not because I can’t hear them, I hear all the conversations. Sometimes I will talk to a few, the ones cloest to me and other times I get completly overwhelmed and will turn my attention to the kids and/or Duste.

So what does that mean--?

Anyway that is my life right now….most days I feel like I am up a shit creek without a paddle!  Like Shooter Jennings says—that light at the end of the tunnel you’re chasing is a train!

Vacation Pictures

Indiana Dunes 2012--Memorial Day Weekend

Sadie was my heart and soul...

A week ago today Sadie lost her battle with Bone Cancer. Thursday night she started crying and was unable to get comfortable again. She would look deep into my eyes and as much as I wanted to deny it, she was ready. We called the vet and had a few minutes before we had to meet him. We sat on the floor with her as she gave kisses, sat on laps and got one last belly rub. When the time came we took her in and I stayed with her, petting her, playing with her ear and kissing her. I talked very little but she could feel everything I couldn’t say. I gave her one last kiss before I walked away.  When I came home I put all her things away, crying like I never have for any human.

 I will miss her sweet face and all of her expressions! I will miss the way her fur feels under my hand. I will miss the feel of her soft ear. I will miss the look in her eyes when I talk to her. I will miss the cute way she sleeps with her nose hid in her paws. I will miss her smile. I will miss everything.

We still went away for the weekend. It was a long car ride full of more long cries. I felt so sad, heartbroken, empty and lost. Duste never knows what to do with me when I am quiet. But I am quiet because it takes all my energy to use self talk to keep myself from crying. Sadness, pure sadness is hard for me to put to words. Anger is something I am much more comfortable with. After several hours on our vacation my grey cloud had lifted a little and I decided I must get a tattoo. I had never gotten a tattoo before; as I could not decide on something I would want on my body for the rest of my life. Duste and I had talked about getting one for each other but something always stopped me. (They are against the dress code at my work and I see no point in getting one somewhere no one would see it.) When my Chopper dog died, many years ago, I thought about getting one then but again talked myself out of it. This time I was going to do it—screw the rules no one else followed them why should I. After talking it over with Duste we decided the what/where and we got in the car and followed the GPS. Hours after talking about it I had my first tattoo—two dog prints on the inside of my left wrist; in memory of my furbabies Chopper and Sadie. Since getting the tattoo something unexpected happened, I no longer felt like crying every minute. I may not be able to have my babies with me forever but I would have this and that made me feel better. We had a good rest of vacation and neither of us wanted to come home. I loved the early morning walks on the beach!

Coming home was hard. The house seems so empty, quiet and lonely. Everywhere I look I see where she used to be. Getting used to this new normal is going to be hard. We do want another dog but we will wait. We are going to wait until after our last vacation this year before we even start our search. After lots of talks and research we have decided on the BullBoxer as our new breed. We just love pits but traveling can be more difficult with a pure pitty so we have decided to go with a mix again. I am exhausted just thinking about having a puppy again but it will be a new adventure and we will fall in love all over again.

We really want this one to be more dog friendly so we are really going to step it up in the socialization and we are going to start the training early. We learned it is best when the dog knows you are in charge. Maybe when my heads in a better place we will start the name game….

I am a mother by nature and not having something to take care of is really hard for me.

I did something I have never done after losing someone I love—I put up pictures. I wanted to see her sweet face again, at the places I look for her most. We also started looking through pictures; Sadie had one hell of a life for 12 yrs!

Like I explained it before, I love with walls, with my guard always up. There are very few I love without fear and my dog is one of them. That is why it hurt so badly.

Sadie~I will miss you more than words can say. Go run, play and show your brother you can out run him again! I will see you both again one day.  Mommy loves you both~

Putting feelings to words—

I am so overwhelmed. So why is it that people need more from me now? Why is that more things pile up when you are already under so much stress? Are the problems really as big as they seem or does it just look that way from down here? My chest feels tight and sometimes it is hard to breathe deep. I feel all tight, like a ball inside—unable to relax and breathe.

I worry about Sadie. I watch her every move, listening to her every noise. When she rest I watch her breathing and listen for any sounds. I am always listening; even when I am suppose to be sleeping. I question every decision I make for her. Am I doing enough for her, am I doing too much? When is it enough? I don’t want her in pain but I don’t want to give up on her too soon—but I am not sure how long I can make it. Bone Cancer is Bone Cancer; it eats away at her bones the holes will be getting bigger causing more pain. She is already taking the max on her pain pills so it’s only downhill from here.

So many questions—how long do we have, how fast is this moving?

I need a mental vacation my Duste says and that is exactly what I am going to do. She will be taking all calls for me—to be a blocker for all the un- needed stress. Maybe I will be able to catch my breath again, maybe I will be able to relax, and it helps when I see that Sadie is as well.

This is hard, this is one of the hardest paths I have ever taken—I just need to remember I am not alone, Dust is walking right next to me…..