Anna England

On Sunday January 8^th my grandmother passed away. She had been sick around a year, fading but not fading fast. She held on. I hated to see her sick and weak. I hated to see her not like her independent, mouthy, feisty but very loving self. I never went to see her by myself. I always made my sister come with me. She was good at filling the silence when I didn’t know what to say. I sit her now, finding it hard to put my thoughts to words. Probably because I am still numb, there aren’t many thoughts in my head right now. I am blank and numb. I hate this. I hate this feeling, I hate this process. I hate the viewing and funeral. I also hate to see my sisters upset. When they cry, I cry. I want to make their tears go away, I want to never see them cry but this is something I cannot fix. So, I sit there, holding their hands or sometimes them to make the pain more bearable. My oldest of my little sisters is married. So now I hold my youngest and make sure the husband is doing his job with the other one. Meanwhile, Duste’s job is to take care of me. But I do not make this easy because I am too busy taking care of everyone else, plus she is a crier, which makes the rest of us worse. It is a mess. We are a mess. I hate this.

Yay! I had my last MRI for 2011 and it came back clear!! My doctor is very impressed with the results! We scheduled two more MRI’s for 2012 then we will go down to once a year for the next 3….

I have to say, the MRI wasn’t as bad this time. I listened to my Adel 21 CD and managed to hold real still (hard to do, trust me). They did the correct amount for the dye and I didn’t get sick! It was quick and easy—the techs were joking around calling me an MRI pro!

After the dr visit we had dinner and hit a few stores. I found a baby item I had been searching for and over all we had a good day!

I thought about what if—what if we got a bad result 3 days before Christmas. That would have been bad, real bad.

Negative thoughts often enter my mind, although I try to stop them, but when I can’t I just replace those thoughts with good ones.

I am sure I am in the clear now. I am sure this tumor is gone once and for all!

I continue with the personal training. It is a fight, a fight to get back what little muscle strength I can. 

I will continue the fight and the positive self talk and I look forward to what 2012 has in store me and my family! Good luck everyone and Happy New Year!!

Happy Holidays and other ramblings

 What a strange year it has been. 2011 had so much promise, so much potential. But if it is one thing I have learned this year it is, life cannot be predicted nor controlled, no matter how hard you try or how many plans you make.

I have started a Reflection Journal this month. Each night I write three positive things that have happened that day. Sometime these things come easily other days it is a struggle to come up with three. The point is to start feeling more grateful and I find on a bad day, after I have written my three things down, I go to bed feeling better about the day.

I am doing my best to avoid being overly stressed this holiday season. On thanksgiving I made everything I could the day before so on the actual day I would not be so overwhelmed and over it by the time company came. It worked! We enjoyed a nice long visit with family and ended the evening playing a game of Phase 10! This year we had my mom over, which has never happened. It went well and she is coming back over for Christmas dinner. I am really getting into the Holidays this year and have gone overboard with decorating. For Thanksgiving, Duste Keaton and I made hand turkeys, paper roll turkeys and colored leafs for decorating. At the end of the dinner everyone got to take home a paper roll turkey! How cute! For Christmas we are making Hand Print ornaments, which we will paint and put his name on and give them as gifts. Duste and I also made wooden snowflakes to decorate around the house. I want to be crafty so bad but it isn’t coming easily!

Duste has really stepped it up and I am more spoiled than ever. She does such sweet little things for me and I love and appreciate them all.  When I get home from work she has my house shoes and socks warm and in front of my spot on the sofa. She makes the bed and turns down my side so I can easily get under the covers. She packs my lunch and puts in special treats for me. The list goes on and on. She went to town and bought me several new pairs of PJ’s. Nice soft warm PJ’s because she was worried about me being too cold in my old ones. She is awesome and raises the bar higher than any man could ever compare to or compete with. She makes me smile. She makes me feel special and loved and wonderful. She is the only one for me. She is the only one who would put up with me—with all my attitude, mouthiness and issues. She is made for me! (Yes, I even feel this way when she is not spoiling me-ha!) She had gotten quite handy as well. She put shelves up in our living room closet the other day. They are sturdy, level and everyone is super impressed with them—including me! I am so lucky to have opened my eyes and mind just in time not to miss her in my life!

I am now getting acupuncture for my “bad” leg--where the Desmoid Tumors were. I have had three treatments a week apart and for the most part it has really made a difference in my pain. Winter time in Indiana is not so easy for me and hasn’t been since 2007.  (First tumor) The cold rainy days seem to get the best of me but sometimes just the cold makes walking hard. Lucky for me, we have a hot tub and without it I don’t think I could get through these long Indiana winters. My 2^nd scar is so faint now it is hard to even pick up in pictures, but the indent is still there. I am thinking by next year it will be more filled in, maybe or maybe not. I am still seeing a personal trainer who is dealing with my weight issues-from thyroid problems-and strengthening/retraining my muscles in my “bad” leg. All of the doctors agree this is the best thing I could be doing. My knee is still a big problem. It has gone back to wanting to bend in and not support me. So, I wear a brace a lot of the time. But I am happy and healthy (enough) and I keep on keeping on! I go for my next MRI December 22^nd. Duste will be going with me and we are going to try to make the trip a fun thing, if the weather will corporate!

Well, now that we are caught up—Have a wonderful Holiday, from Duste and Talisa!

A crazy wedding story….

My sister was married on September 10^th, 2011.

She had decided to have her wedding and reception at our family church. As a family we had gone to this church longer than I have been born. My partner and her parents have also gone to this church for many years, so they knew us well. 8 days before the wedding my sister called the preacher to ask if we could have a bounce house in the parking lot. That is when he told her he could not do the wedding or allow it to be held in the church because my partner, David's best man, was a woman that would be wearing a suit. Let me state this again—8 days before the wedding! What a mess!

When my sister told me this I could not believe my ears. I thought something like this might happen but I thought if it was going to happen it would have before this point. He knew very well my partners name and knew she was on the groom's side. (He stated he thought, when given the names of the wedding party, my partner was a man—that is BS. He knows us and knows who she is.) At first he didn't have a problem and now he does? What makes it worse, his wife is related to my partner. This is unbelievable. My partner and I told her to go ahead with the wedding as planned without her but my sister would hear none of it.

Amanda is an amazing person. So strong willed and bull headed. (Wonder where she gets that from) She could have carried on with her wedding without my partner and that would have been the easiest solution. Nope, she would have none of it. She knew what was right, she knew what was important and if it meant sacrificing her wedding to have it the way she wanted it, with the people she loved in it, then so be it!

My sister and I worked all the next day to find a place to have the wedding—with 7 days to spare. By the end of the day we found a gym we could have it at and a priestess to do it. Shew!

My sister surprised me that night when she was in tears telling me how unfair it was and how we would just have it somewhere else. She sacrificed her wedding, her church wedding, for me and for us. She is so passionate about rights for same sex couples; she has done most of her college papers on it. Lots of people SAY they are but not many would have DONE something like this, especially on such an important day. She is an amazingly strong person! We cannot thank her enough for that sacrifice. I wished I could have given her the most elegant most perfect wedding, she deserved it. How did I get so lucky to have a sister like her? When did she get so strong? She may be 7 years younger than me but she is still teaching me things!

I LOVE YOU AMANDA--we Love you so very much! You stood up for us in the face of a preacher, which took some nerve! You're amazing, you're awesome, you're great and I am so proud to have you as my sister and my BESTEST EVER friend!!

 

Crushes

Isn't it funny that as an adult I still get crushes! But this time it isn't on the guy down the street or in my class, of course this time it is on Singers and Actors! (So, there are many reasons these crushes will never be more than crushes!) This of course is purely based on looks and how I perceive them; I am sure in reality they aren't as great as they are in my head (rarely any thing is, is it?). After all, they are men and we all know men are asses by nature. Better seen and not heard if you ask me! (See, I told you many many reasons!)

At this moment my school girl crush is on--I couldn't just pick one picture of each!

Hank Williams III

Hank Williams III

Russell Brand

Russell Brand

Shooter Jennings

Shooter Jennings

To look at them you could see some similarities, (dark hair, tall and skinny.) But, like I said, this is make believe world where the only thing we are judging on is looks. In reality good looking men are rarely nice to be around, heck men in general aren't that great to be around with all their issues and whining. But these ones are sure nice to look at aren't they!

In real life I do not judge people based on looks alone, I don't even judge people based on their genitals. What is between their legs is no concern of mine; it is what is in their hearts and the soul that really count. For many years I limited myself based on sexual organs and for many years my life and relationships were terminal because of this. Sure, I could have tried harder, I could have put my happiness aside to be in a relationship that society deems normal but I mean more to myself than that. All my life was a fight and I didn't want my relationship to be yet another fight. Real love, true love shouldn't hurt, it shouldn't feel forced and it shouldn't be a fight.

My life came to a fork in the road several years ago. After several failed relationships with boys, that were nowhere near being men yet, I needed a break. I knew at the end of this break I had two choices, I could go back to him or I could be with her. I chose her and I don't regret that decision. She makes me happy, she makes me whole, she makes me, me. She gives me the life I have always wanted—secure and happy. I know he could not. I know I would never be happy being without her. Once I made this decision I was surprised by all the people that already knew we should be together. It seems I was the last to know, the last to consider this as an option. Silly me I thought I made this decision but life and the world had already made this decision for me.

So here we are several happy years later walking our path together. The path is less bumpy now and life is more stable. We live a very boring life together. No partying, no cops, no extremely late nights (other than when Keaton had colic) no bills being disconnected and no worries of food being in kitchen. We do have own a home together, have a savings account and reliable jobs. If boring is my happiness then so be it!

This is the one I love—

When I look at her I see my soul mate. I love the way she looks at me. I love the way she treats me. I love the way she respects, supports and cares for me. I love that worried look on her face when I say some guy is cute! Oh, and do I need to mention I love that she doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and is perfectly happy not doing so?! She goes to work every day and she comes home every night, what else could I ask for! (ha!)

Crazy Cat Lady

Yes, it is true. I have become the crazy cat lady. I blame my grandma Joan. I am just like her, with my weakness for animals.

The woman who lived in our house before us, along with the neighbor, was feeding the stray cats. The cats were fat, healthy and friendly. When we moved in we decided not to feed them and let the neighbor deal with it. Then the neighbor, an elderly couple, could not feed them on a regular basis and the cats got mean. Now, you are thinking, how mean can a cat be—believe me, really mean. They were beating up my older cats, who are declawed and living in a heated/air conditioned garage. They would do anything they could to get in the yard, where a dog lives that doesn't like any cat but her cats. The male, appropriately named "bad kitty", was spraying everywhere. It was crazy around here.
So, I did my research to find out the options. I could not bring myself to have them trapped and destroyed, although the life they were living wasn't a good one either. Then I learned trapping and destroying them does not work anyway. Research shows more cats just replace those cats and so on. Instead we opted for Trap Neuter Release. The catch with this is we would have to continue to feed them, provide them with shelter but they would not be able to reproduce. They also clip their ear so you can tell when new ones show up that needs fixed. So, we put a feeding station in place—a large storage tote with a whole cut out with a bowl of water and cat food. I also put out two houses—two 30gal storage totes with 18gal ones inside surrounded by board insulation and on the inside straw with flea power. There is a small opening in the front and they set up on bricks. I will also surround them with a short wall to block out cold air and snow from blowing in. My goal here is functionality meets cuteness. I will post pics when I get it all done!
It is really hard for me not to want to bring these cats indoors and love them. That, after all, is my instincts but I really do not want all those cats inside. I would love it if they could learn to get along with my dog and other cats, at least then they could live in the heated garage with pillows and fluffy things.
I have been feeding them for only a week and have made huge progress. So far I have one "mommy kitty", one "bad kitty" aka dad, and two baby kitties. They, at first, would not let me get close and would run at the sight of me. Now, a week later, I am able to walk close to them and they are outside waiting by the food station for food every morning. The grey kitty still hides from me and Bad Kitty is a little skittish but Mommy Kitty and baby number 2 are really getting accustom to me.

Just this morning Mommy Kitty let me get very close to her while I was filling the cat bowls and cleaning out the feeding station. She just lay there, looking at me. I looked into her eyes and was amazed at the expression she had. She was looking at me like I was the strangest thing; a human feeding her. She looked so confused by this, like she just could not understand what was going on. Black kitty, ( kitty number 2), was just happy to see me and seemed to think this is all the new normal. I did not try to go towards them, I just accepted this was the limit they were comfortable with, hard for us humans who want to pet and cuddle everything. I talked to them, but I always do. I have a bad habit of that, talking to animals. I want them to come when I call "kitty Kitty". That would make it easier for roll call. Because once I start feeding an animal, I start worrying about it.

Ohh, the life of a crazy cat lady!

This is Mommy Kitty and Baby #2 aka Black Kitty!

The Reinvention of Talisa

3 months after turning 28 I have an itch; an itch to reinvent myself, yet again. Looking back over the years I have gone through these phases. Changing from the well put together look to the hippie look. This time I would like to keep both looks in my closet. This is the cheapest solution anyway. Maybe the key is mixing these two looks, yeah it sounds impossible but I am thinking I can do it. I am thinking Smart Casual at work and Hippie girl at home. Soon, I will be cutting my hrs at work and only working 2.5 days so that will free up a lot of time for my hippie side. The two sides of Talisa—the Smart Casual girl at work and the Hippie girl at heart! Ha!

I think it is natural for my age group to feel in limbo with their look. I am not in my early 20's anymore but I am not in my mid 30's. I want to update my look—including my hair, my makeup and my clothes. I do not want to be stuck with my high school look when I am an adult. I want to look put together, nice, responsible but not prudish.

Step one—get a free makeover to try new makeup.

After Yoga and personal training I took myself to Merle Normans and re-learned how to apply makeup, correctly. I am now the owner of lots of brushes, colors and tools. Of course I made it my own and am going with a more natural look. I now wear foundation, eye shadow and eye liner. I also have some lip color but I am bad at putting it on over and over again throughout the day. Because of what I have learned I will be saving us some money and will be doing my sisters and my own makeup at her wedding! Score for me!



Step two—new look, new clothes (pic coming soon)

Duste took me to a second hand store in Greenwood and I got a few new dresses. Short (to the knee) adult dresses that come in around the waist to show off all my hard work! Hippie dresses are free flowing and comfortable, great when you are out of shape or rather do not have a shape. I also am in the process of finding some Trouser Pants for work (yay! adult pants). I am not the size I want to be currently but am hoping I am a little closer to the size I do to make these work. I have also ordered a few tops for my new look—I am so excited!

Step Three—hair today gone tomorrow!

My new hair!

Coming soon! This Friday I am hopeful I will get my hair cut short! We will see if my hairstylist will go for it. I have been sending her pics of different looks for several weeks now so we should be on the same page. I want it no longer than to the top of my shoulders. But because of my sister's wedding everyone is hesitating, thinking I will hate it and it will be forever in wedding pics. I say lets go for it! I am not a fan of straight hair on me because it is just lifeless and lies there, besides I look too much like my dad when it is straight. I am a fan of curly, curly because it does not have to be perfect and gives you more room for play. With straight hair I get a little crazy that every hair is in its place. But with curly, short and too much body it will make my face look fat so you can see where this is a little nerve racking. I am so excited to see how this turns out!

Maybe I will post pics when my look is complete—a little before and after. I am like a butterfly; going in the cocoon a young adult coming out a full blown adult! Yay!