Mixed Emotions

It will be 3wks this Thursday that I had to say goodbye to my Sadie, my dog of 12 yrs. When I allow myself to think back to that day it still rips at my heart. Instead I try to think of all the good times we had. It all seems like a blur. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself she is really gone. When I see her picture I remind myself what her fur feels like, what her ears feel like….on warms days I remember her smiling face with bright brown eyes looking up at me. Days ago we got Chopper’s urn out and placed it next to Sadie’s—both have pictures on the front. It is bitter sweet to look up at them both.  All the pain that comes with owning pets, all the heartache and yet here I go again.

We are making a 2hr drive on Friday to meet our new furbaby. She is a bullboxer—part boxer part pit bull. She is exactly what we were looking for and she is only 2 months old. We are going to name her Ivy. We pulled out Sadie’s toy box complete with Sadie’s toys and some new ones and one of Sadie’s favorite beds. We have bought her a new collar and leash and a little bed to go in her crate—where she will be sleeping at night while we potty train her. We bought Blue Buffalo dog food—puppy large breed—because we want to start with the best. We watch what we put in our bodies why wouldn’t we watch what we give her? We are going to give her a mix of Blue Buffalo dog food and cooked chicken with veggies. We also have plans to put her in Doggie Daycare once a week when she is a little older so she can get socialized with other dogs and training will be coming soon! We are older now and know all the mistakes we made with Sadie and we will do better this time. Of course that isn’t always silencing the panic I feel from time to time. Oh the fun “What If “panic is back….this always pops up after I go through a death.  (Continually repeating to myself, everything will be ok…)

Now on to a different story—just because it bothered me so much….

Last week my dad texted and asked if he could bring the boys over to swim. I said sure, without thinking I haven’t even attempted to clean the pool yet this season. Before Saturday came my sister’s family decided to also come over but they would help me clean it. We scooped for 2 hours then decided to come in and make dinner—by this time dad was late. But we all know irresponsible company always show up when you start cooking dinner! We put all the food away and set out on the porch. Not only did my dad show up with the boys he came with his girlfriend, the baby, the oldest daughter and her boyfriend—whom I have never met.

Now let me just say, in case you don’t know this about me: When I have company, especially for the first time, I like everything to be in its place and clean clean clean! Of course, this was not the state of my house, my yard or my pool. This really really bothers me. I spent Saturday night thinking about it and first thing Sunday morning we started working in the yard and pool. That damn pool is going to need daily care to get it presentable and I am going to be lucky to have it ready in time for Keaton’s 3^rd Birthday Party! And there is one more thing I have noticed about myself—when I am around lots of people (people that are not my family or people that I am not comfortable and used to being around) I have a hard time communicating with all of them. Let me try to explain this—I will hear someone say something and I have something I can say back but I let someone else answer them because I am busy talking to someone else. (Ok, that didn’t come out right either) I do not feel shy but I am unusually quiet when I am in a group of said people. It’s like I can only communicate with a few so when more than I can communicate with are present I pull back or just focus on the kids. It’s not because I feel shy—which I was when I was younger—it feels different than that. I don’t know. Like at work when we are in a group meeting everyone takes turns talking, so I can hear the conversation and then I have a chance to respond—I do fine with that. But in a everyday group gathering people are talking over here, over there several conversations going and I can’t keep up with them all so I don’t even try. During some of these occasions my mom or sister have said my name and asked me something again because I didn’t answer. It’s not because I can’t hear them, I hear all the conversations. Sometimes I will talk to a few, the ones cloest to me and other times I get completly overwhelmed and will turn my attention to the kids and/or Duste.

So what does that mean--?

Anyway that is my life right now….most days I feel like I am up a shit creek without a paddle!  Like Shooter Jennings says—that light at the end of the tunnel you’re chasing is a train!