Monday, February 6, 2012

Winter blues, burn out at work, loss of a loved one…

I don’t know what you would call it but I am done. Done with work; done with the people at work, done with the issues at work. Done. Once I am away from here I am happy again. But can we really live our lives for two days, Saturday and Sunday? What a waste of 5 days or 4 in my case because I have Wednesday off. Life is too short to be rushing through it just so you can get to the weekend.

There was a time I liked my job but working with social workers in a counseling agency can take its toll on you. I feel like I am working back at the day care but this time the children are old enough to be my mother and sometimes grandmother and you cannot discipline them. I am constantly making sure everyone is doing what they are suppose to be, doing in on time and are the happiest they can be while doing it. It is exhausting emotionally and mentally.

Working in an office, especially with 25 females, is a lot like being an actress. You have to smile, when you want to cry or scream. You have to say everything is fine, when you want to pull your hair out.  You have to be polite when what you want to do is have a mad fit. I feel so damn fake because for 9hrs a day I am not being true to me. I am being who they want me to be. I am acting and reacting the way I am suppose to, in a way that will cause very little issue because that is all we need.

I am exhausted. I am unhappy. I need out of here.

I used to care. That is what scares me, I just don’t care. I don’t care about the clients. Most of the time I am aggravated and annoyed by what my coworkers say or do, to the point I have to go on and on about it at home or in endless emails to my mom.

I want to be happy. I do not like this anger the builds up inside of me.

I read books after books about happiness. Maybe something will click.

I want to go down in my hours and then completely leave all together. I want to stay home with Keaton while his mom works. I want to spend my day experiencing life through the eyes of a 2yr old. I want to take one day a month and spend it with my mom Brenda. I want to have time to enjoy life before it is all over. I do not want to work my life away, never taking the time to enjoy it.

I don’t like to say when I get this I will be happy or when this happens I will be happy. I want to be happy right now, in this moment.

In this moment there are plenty of reasons to be happy.

I have my wonderful second half at home working hard to finish the special touches on our new room addition. She works so hard to make me smile. She is unemployed right now. The “dream job” laid her off almost 6months ago. The say the call will come soon. We are waiting. It is scary for your future to be wrapped up in one place, your fate and future determined by one phone call. But in the mid west they are it. They are the only chance we have at the type of home life we want together, the type of life that comes so easily to other couples. (Sigh)

I have a wonderful home. Where everything I have envisioned is coming true. It is a real home. Not a new manufactured home but a built by hand from one man’s vision and it is all ours! It is home. It is where we will always be. I feel so happy when I write my address on a form and know this will always be our address! This is the home, the house, Keaton will always remember. It will be where all his childhood memories are at. The same will be true for our children one day.

I have a wonderful person I call mom, but who isn’t blood related to me. She is my dad’s ex girlfriend. But from the beginning we were more than that. She is so special. I really hope I am able to give her a grandchild one day. I want so badly to have my children grow up around the people who made a difference in my life. There are very few left now.

I have my sister. She loves me. She is the only one who understands the past that we share. The sadness and emptiness that is there now. We are a team. Trying to raise Keaton, her son, better than we were and the best we can.

I have my special little man Keaton Michael. He is my heart! His face lights up when he sees me and he yells out my name “NawNaw”! He makes any bad day a good one! I am so thankful to be such a big part in his life.

I have two amazing vacations planned for this summer. Two days away, just Duste and I. Laying on a warm beach with the sound of waves hitting the shore. I love to get away, I love adventure!

I have a lot more to be happy about I am sure I am not seeing right now.

I will pull myself up. I will be happy. This will pass. …..

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