Tuesday, June 21, 2011

--Searching for my Rainbow--

 I am done giving her advice, she does not take.

I am done listening to her bitch about her life and the messes she gets herself in, and never wanting to change.

I am done loaning her money.


I do not owe her anything just because I can manage my money better than her. Her situations are not my fault and I shouldn't be punished because of them.


I am not responsible for her happiness.

I am not responsible for her thoughts and feelings.


I deserve to be:

Loved, Respected, Appreciated


I do not deserve to be talked to this way. I do not deserve to get an email explaining all the reasons I am a terrible person and then told my response does not matter because that person is taking some time off and will not discuss it. That was an Attack—an attack on the one person that has been there for you and by saying you are taking time off after an attack like that is like saying a big "FUCK OFF—I do not care how my words affect you or what you have to say about it". I would never do that to you. I have never done that to you. When I took my time off we were fine, everything was fine and I just needed a break from the world—why do you take everything personal?


I am sick of having what I say twisted and thrown back in my face—people who love each other do not act this way.


My hurt is now turning to anger—I would rather feel anger than pain. I would rather be mad then cry.

I have so many questions—questions I will never get answered because you will never see that you ever did anything wrong. I cannot do this, I will not do this—I cannot have a relationship with anyone who is like this. Always walking on egg shells, always wondering when the next time will be that the floor falls out from under me.


You say I am not supportive. You say you cannot talk to me.


Hmm—but what about all the hrs spent on the phone at work, at home. You say I am so terrible to you but you can still ask me for money; you can still spend time with me and have family outings and cookouts?


I am saying right now I cannot be any more supportive—I help you financially, I help you with food, I listen to you always complaining—do you realize how draining you are? You are responsible for your own happiness—if you are not happy change things!!! You're not a child—you can figure this out!


I am done. I am done fighting. Life is too short for this. My happiness means too much to me.


I hope one day you can see what pain you have caused and what you have done. I hope one day you see how much things have changed inside of you and I hope one day you do something about that. No one can make you happy but you. I hope you can truly be happy, one day.


For now--I'm ready for my rainbow and here comes Duste to the rescue—she is great, she will not rest till my smile comes back, to my face and in my eyes!







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