Finally Pregnant!!

Our fourth IUI was a success!!

It shouldn’t have been, based on the theory that if you are under too much stress it will not work. It was a very ridiculous stressful time for me, I’m talking Anxiety / Panic attacks and all. I wasn’t sleeping, was barely eating and lost 5 lbs. right before my scheduled IUI.

The stress came from dealing with my father and his issues. I walked away from my father a year ago, after I told him he could not be in my life in his current condition. Since then he became unemployed, homeless and drinking mouth wash to cope with his addiction. Most people had given up on him and instead of finding help, they called the cops on him every time he showed up. The cops would just drive him around and drop him at a 24hr restaurant, never offering any additional help. This continued for months. I would watch the paper, expecting to hear he was found dead somewhere in our town.

Then after a disgusting and disturbing email from my father’s brother, I decided to reach out to my dad. A local agency had been putting him up in a hotel room and he was busy trying to find a job – the only problem, he was still actively drinking. Unfortunately, reaching out meant he started calling (again) several times, at all hours, leaving mean message as the evening progressed when I didn’t answer. Soon enough the funding ran out and since he did not have a job, he was out on the street. My wife paid for 5 days to keep him in a room and off the streets, as it was winter, but we could not afford to do this long term. He called as he left the hotel and asked me to pick up his things behind the dumpster. It was heartbreaking to gather up his things among the heroin needles. It was devastating to see all he had were a few grocery bags of clothing left. He wondered the streets and ended up at his ex-wife’s, my mothers, sun porch. My mom called me in desperation. I made some phone calls and found out that if I could get him to the ER there was chance they could get him a bed in a rehab. It was shocking to see him after a year. He had lost so much weight and looked twice his age. He looked like a homeless man, wearing layers of mix matched clothes, his hair was a mess and he hadn’t shaved. After the cops came and talked him into going to the ER, I spent hours with him in the hospital for them to tell us they had no beds. This is when the anxiety attacks began – I couldn’t breathe, my chest felt heavy and when I did try to sleep I would wake up gasping for air. While he was safe in his hotel room, I found an agency to cover the cost for a few days, I started reaching out to all the local agencies to find him some help. I learned he HAD to go through the ER. So, after a few days back we went. This time it wasn’t as easy, he took off and was missing for several hours and when he reappeared he was very drunk but the people at the hospital handled it more seriously. While he was missing, my youngest sister went into labor. As she yelled in pain I was on the phone trying to secure funding for detox. The only problem – they couldn’t take him until the following week.  I was lucky that two wonderful ladies I used to work with were now in positions at the hospital to help me. One got him admitted for a few days for him to sober up while the other got him admitted for the weekend for observation. Keeping him in the local hospital until he could get in to detox. 

I was scheduled for my 4^th IuI the day after my sister gave birth. A few days later, I just had to transport him to the detox clinic. While he spent a week there I was in daily contact with his case worker and hustled to find funding for his rehab. I had funding lined up but the caseworker felt a short term rehab wouldn’t be the best fit. So, dad was lucky enough to get a bed at a yearlong treatment facility he would pay for by working for them. The stars aligned and everything worked out!

Normally the two week wait to find out if the IUI worked is slow, but this time it was full of getting dad in treatment centers and my sister with her new baby. My father was settled in long term treatment when I got my first positive pregnancy test.

 Duste and I were both in shock – it worked!

I only told a hand full of people at first. After two ultrasounds, one at 6 weeks the other at 8, I started telling a few more family members. It wasn’t until week 14 and our third ultrasound, did I post it on Facebook for everyone to know.

Our baby is growing and my pregnancy is progressing perfectly!

So – it doesn’t matter if you are stressed, it doesn’t matter if you have anxiety issues. The only things that matter is ovulation and strong sperm! Go easy on yourself, your body knows what to do! And for those who tell you if you’re too stressed or too worried it won’t work – as nice as you can, tell them they are full of shit!

 

 

 

Time off

 1,200 calorie Diet

Since I am taking two months off from the IUI Fun, I have decided to get my weight back in check. I am back on my 1,200 calorie diet and have since lost 10lbs! I have a month left and hopefully I can make my goal of 10 more pounds!

It still amazing me how many more steps a day I take now that I’m not chained to a desk! It was a struggle to get 10,000 steps a day while working a desk job. I would take breaks to walk 3 flights of steps, walk to the farthest bathroom when needed and use my lunch time to walk around the block. Most days I barely got in the minimal 10,000 steps a day. Now that I am home I am far exceeding this goal! Office work was truly killing me—physically, mentally and emotionally.

MRI of 2015

My first annual MRI, marking 3 years since my last tumor, is next week. Of course, I am doing the usual second guessing every ache and pain. Grr!! I, like most with these tumors, live with pain every day. My pain is caused by my active lifestyle but because of nerve damage and muscle loss, I cannot tell where or why.  Meaning I can’t tell if it is deep pain, muscle pain, sciatic nerve pain and so on. I usually don’t think much about it, until close to my MRI appointment.

Easter is this weekend—can you believe it!

I planned the Easter Lunch Menu, sent out request to each family as to what they should bring and have been aggressively cleaning house to prepare. A Family Gathering and Spring Cleaning in one month keeps me motivated! I would take cleaning my house over a good day at the office any day!

Renovations

The list of Renovations for 2015 has been created and work will soon start! Can you believe we have lived here since October 2008, it is amazing to look back at all the work we have done.

Inside work to be done:

Putting in a standard washer/dryer complete with shelf behind and an antique mirror above! We will also be closing in the staircase to upstairs to help with the cooling of the space in the summer. I am hopeful we can also put a turn at the top of the stairs to open up the landing a little more. (plus add a custom baby gate because almost 2 year old Eli Joseph does not respect gravity.) The rest is just upkeep/management.

                                                         

                                                               Outside work:

We are taking out the circle drive we put in years ago—it is not functioning well and in the winter completely useless. Instead we are connecting our driveway to the in-laws driveway making a large circle. By doing this we can also fix the drainage/sloping issue which is causing flooding in the garage when it rains. The garages will also be getting siding—a project we started last year—with some paint on the doors and new lighting, they should come out looking amazing!

We also decided to move the kid play area to the empty space where the pool use to be. It is already landscaped around and with the addition of some well-placed trees for shade it should be a wonderful place to play! (with lots of sand to dig in too, which is what Keaton Michael and Ivy have been using the space for!)

In the side yard, where the play area is currently located, we are putting the hammock and hammock chair—I have been trying to find a place for them since we moved in!

So excited for all the changes! 

Update...

Ovarian Ultrasound—

The results are in—I have 4 follicles! Three on the Left and one on the Right. Follicle sizes are:

Right side: 15

Left Side: 20, 21, 14

The doctor said she expects the 15 to be an 18 on the day of the IUI and maybe the 14 to make it too! My personal goal was to have at least two—one of each side because I figured that would increase our chances if we had an egg in each fallopian tube.

Our second IUI is scheduled for this Saturday January 31^st at 9:30 am!! Super excited!! This could be it!!

Other News:

Blood work— I am still waiting for all the results of my blood work. So far the only thing found is I am deficient in Vitamin D but just by a little. Carolyn, at Natural Choices, says what I am currently taking is enough to supplement this. She is still very interested in seeing the complete results.

In-laws—it was moving day for the in-laws over the weekend. It wasn’t as bad as I thought, but moving is never fun. Now, all most a week later, we have them settled in with just a few more finishing touches needed. I got the main rooms decorated, complete with area rugs and the wife got the blinds, smoke detectors and C2O meter hung. It’s been exhausting but it’s all coming together very well! 

The Future is so bright I have to wear shades!

After a mini melt down about hair loss—yea I have those every now and then! I decided to get a blood test, a full work up! I talked to Carolyn that runs the natural foods in town, I have been working with her over the years on a more natural approach to my health, and she suggested a few more in depth test for my thyroid. 

Off to the doctor I went with the list in hand and because I have an amazing Family Doctor he listened to all my concerns. Not only did he order the test I had listed he also order a few more. He wants to get the complete picture of my health since we are trying for a baby.  

I am super excited to get a complete picture of my health! Finally I will have answers and better yet, solutions to make me feel 100% again!

On the same morning I talked to my Baby Doctor and we have a new plan. (Have I mentioned how I love plans?) We are going to do a scan to insure a mature egg a few days before ovulation and better monitor my ovulation. 

So our next IUI will give us an even higher chance of success!!

 –We are so excited—

Things are off to a great start this week and it’s only Tuesday!! 

Failed IUI #1—

Well there you have it. First attempt failed. I got my period a day early so I didn’t waste a pregnancy test.

Breaking the news to my very excited, supportive wife isn’t something I was looking forward to, but she took it well-she just said that’s ok we will try again. How amazing is that?! I think I took it fairly well. I mean it is what it is. My heart sank but I just picked it back up and put it back where it was supposed to be. 

Instead of drowning myself with pity I treated myself.

For the first time in two weeks I worked out with out worry. I didn't have to worry about my temperature being too high, I simply worked out—enjoying every bead of sweat.  Then I came home and took an amazingly hot bath and for dinner I had chili dogs…Awe the glories of hot dogs! Over the weekend I also indulged in cheese burgers and enjoyed every bite! We also turned up the hot tub and will be enjoying evening soaking!

We have decide to try again immediately! This time we will make a baby! 

IUI journey—First week….

The day--

My wonderful wife woke me up at 4:30am to test my ovulation before she went to work. As we had predicted, I was well on the way to ovulate and she got to skip work. But neither of us were able to get back to sleep. Instead I sent my wife off to do the weekly grocery shopping and to drop Ivy Rose off at school; while she was gone I snuck in a nap.

Once the doctor office opened we called—the doctor wasn’t at the south office so we had to make the appointment at their north office. We were there two hours early after a stop at our favorite Mexican restaurant for lunch!

Waiting in the silent waiting room, watching others coming and going I found myself entertaining us with silly text back and forth keeping us both laughing. Then our names were called. The procedure itself was quick with a little pain/discomfort when the catheter was inserted into my cervix and what felt like being threaded up to my throat! We took a moment to visualize our little swimmers going towards the egg and one making contact. (We would do this several more times throughout the evening)

On the way home we grabbed Subway, thanks to the Colts win the night before! We spent the rest of the evening relaxing in bed, in the new winter sheets, with a lilac candle burning and my diffuser loaded with stress release and relaxation oils!

Day 1 of the two week wait.

I finally got to sleep, although I was exhausted from the day’s events, sleep didn’t come easily. Back into the routine of everyday life, I got my wakeup call at the usual 7:30am from the wife. I had plans to keep myself busy by doing some deep cleaning. However, my body decided differently. I have found myself being very light headed. It could be the usual issue of fluid built up behind my ears, it could be the lack of water I drank the day before—either way, I am spending the day in bed enjoying everything like the night before. I have managed to do two loads of bed clothes resulting from changing to our winter sheets. I’m not nauseas, so breakfast and lunch wasn’t an issue—I hate when dizziness leaves you with that sick feeling and thankful that isn’t the case today. My wonderful Roomba cleaned the kitchen/bathroom floors and is recharging before he takes on the dinning/living room!

So far I have controlled my thoughts of the pending pregnancy. Never letting myself think about it too much. It is crazy to me when I think about have “average” couples can just have sex and it just happens to result into a pregnancy. How maybe most can’t pin point the exact moment that resulted in fertilization. How lucky they must be, to be able to live life never realizing they are in the two week wait. The doctors say just live life as you normally would, however who can really do that? I just had IUI done!! I wish I could see inside to see what is going on, isn’t there a scan for that by now? Instead we sit around for two weeks to find out if the period for the month will show. This is crazy-there has got to be a better way, or at least there should be—what are we cavemen? (Ha!)  

Day 2, 3 and 4—

I wasn't feeling well at all this week. Light headedness kept me in bed. I am taking Benadryl and that seems to be doing the trick of drying things up. These past few days I have managed to get a least one chore done each day, mostly in the morning when I’m feeling at my best. It is crazy how dirty this house gets with just the two of us!

I have found myself to be on Auto Pilot. I’m not thinking much at all. It might be the Benadryl that leaves me feeling spacey but it just may be my way of coping. I do focus, in short burst, on the strong baby that may be growing inside me. Sending as much positive energy as I can to where a baby would be.

Sometimes the thought and feeling come in, thinking how great it would be if our first try worked. How exciting it would be to get a positive pregnancy test. How happy this news would make the people in our world. We have a lot of people praying, lighting candles, meditating and so on for us and our child to be. But I don’t let myself get too excited or to feel too much, just in case.

Can you believe we are only at day 4!!

6 days after IUI—

As my pending period nears, (8 days away) we started talking about the next step IF my period comes. We talked briefly about the injectable and pills the doctor mentioned. The thought of doing shots doesn't thrill me and as I gather information from the internet, the price tag doesn't either. Before we started this journey we agreed we would only give it 3 tries. That is the max the doctor will try before they suggest you move up to more aggressive, and more expensive, options.

Our first attempt was with IUI alone. That with donated sperm cost $1,000.

IUI with injectable and pills, from what I gather, will be around $2,000-$3,000 (or so)

The next step—IVF is $10,000 without sperm which is around $800.

None of these offer 100% chance of working.

We will not go on to IVF, I just can’t even think about a debt that high. However, we do have the option to do our next attempt with drugs, being injectable with pills, together they really increases the odds you will conceive. (They both trigger your body to make several eggs and release those eggs at the same time) I have read lots of horror stories of what these things do to your body, mood and emotions and I worry my sweet wife will not be able to handle me. Introducing chemicals to your body forcing it to do things can’t be good.  But it would be short term. I have also heard the pills can decrease the thickness of your lining making it hard to get a viable pregnancy. So many choices which you have to figure in the cost of each. We want a child, but I don’t want to put us back in the poor house forcing me back to work to keep us afloat. That seems to be counterproductive.

It’s a scary thought, only having three chances to get it right. If all three fail that means we will forever be childless. What would that even look like, what does that really mean? We are would be old and alone, forever without a child to call our own….I can’t even imagine and that is why that hasn’t occurred to be as an option.

I have found a way when it comes to anything I have really wanted but this is something I cannot control, the doctors cannot even control. It is completely depended on your body, on chance and on a small window of time. No amount of money, no amount of research and no way around what just has to happen in your body. How frustrating is that!

I’m going to end this post now before I completely depress myself!

7^th day---

I officially was the worst wife over the weekend. Saturday I was nagging, nothing could make me happy and everything she did drove me crazy! I did have a few moments of clarity and managed to be a half ass wife. Oh but then there was Sunday. Sunday I was the silent wife, which my wife tells me is worse than nagging. I hate that, I hate the way I acted and treated her. She is awesome, wonderful and amazing! She tried her best to do everything I asked, never lashing back at me. At 9pm on a Sunday night, the night before she had to get up at 4:30am, I finally broke my silence. My poor sweet wife stayed up until 10:30 letting me say my ridiculous fears and What If’s out loud.  She finally found something to shut me up, she used my words against me. She said, if it is in our life plans to have a baby then we will. Well shit! So there’s that……

Today’s plan: I am getting myself out of bed, regardless of how I feel. I have to be active. I have to get some of this energy out! When the wife gets home we are going to the gym. I can’t sit here anymore!

Here’s to a better today and an even better tomorrow!!

Preparing for our IUI Journey....

As we near the start of our first IUI journey emotions are running high. I don’t allow myself to think about it too much, knowing all the thinking I will be doing during the two week wait. In fact, I have saved some deep cleaning chores and visits with my wonderful Brenda May just for this reason.

A few thoughts running through my head:

The heartbreak I will feel deep in my soul if I start my period. Not looking forward to that let down.

Now on the other end of that—if I don’t start my period, worrying throughout the first trimester that I will miscarry. Then I am sure I will worry that something could go wrong beyond this point. I don’t know how women do it! The worry doesn’t stop there, then you have to worry about the mystery of SIDS!!

I’m exhausted from all this worry I haven’t started worrying about yet!

So—it’s time to push away the worry and focus on the positive. The truth is most, if not all, of this is out of my control, which is why I worry about it. I have to let go and just go with it, focusing on the positive as I go! Positive thoughts, Positive thinking…..

Keep in mind here, I am close to being fully off my Anxiety/Depression meds now.

Although I have been extremely predictable on my ovulation I continue to monitor for hopefully my last month. Currently I am being woke up early every morning by my wife shaking me and saying “Wake up and Pee on a Stick!” There is something unnatural about getting up before the sun does!

The wife is going above and beyond by feeding me healthy fertility foods/meals. She also has a list of Healthy Pregnancy foods and I am sure she will soon have a breastfeeding meal list! She is so sweet!

For Christmas she got me a Fertility Spell Necklace and a Fertility IUI Bracelet, we are doing everything we can for success! You can’t just rely on Science only, at least we can’t!