Addiction can kill; addicts do die…..

Over the weekend another person died because of addiction. This person just happened to be famous but suffered all the same as someone on the street. Addictions aren't glamorous, although Hollywood would lead you to believe this. It is serious, so serious that is kills. It wrecks families, relationships and your soul. It turns you into someone you are not, someone you thought you would never be, someone no one recognizes.

I am not an addict but I am on the other side of addiction—I am the daughter of two addict parents. When my parents divorced one remarried an addict and the other did not. So, out of four parents I only had one who was truly and completely present in my childhood. My childhood was spent with parents who were always preoccupied and never emotionally availble. They were too busy to deal with me and when they did I was resentful and hell bent on making the day miserable for all of us. I wish I could tell the child me to enjoy these times, don't punish them because soon they would stop trying all together.

My mother was someone I adored. I thought she was brave, strong and independent. But I was looking through child eyes. Maybe she started that way, I'm not sure. The person she ended up is not the mom I saw back then. She had hopes and dreams and none of them were to become an addict. She lost herself and I lost my mother. As the years passed she moved further and further from whom she was.

I have two younger sisters and all three of us got a different side of our mother. I got to see all three. When I was younger I got the mom and dad that partied hard and fought even harder. When they split up I lived with my grandparents and life was what it was suppose to be. They were my saviors. They showered me with love, attention and affection. Then my mother married again. My life was in transition from my mom's, dad's and my grandparents' house. At my mom's house I was a little adult. I felt I had to take care of my mom, protect her. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized she needed protection from herself. When I was younger and my life was filled with addicts. I looked at my situation and life as a puzzle; I was constantly trying to put the pieces together and figure out what was really going on and if everything was ok. I felt so dedicated and responsible for my mom. That would leave me with a lot of disappointment but I always picked up what pieces I could and carried on trying to fix it. When my middle sister was born things mellowed out a little bit. My mom put effort into being a good mom. We did not have the "leave it to Beaver" type life but were getting close to the family on "Roseanne". She was present, attentive and cared. She would still go through spells where she would get a little wild but it would always calm down and return back to normal. It was normal to have your friends coming to the front door and drug deals at the back, right? Well, maybe not for everyone but for us it was. At lest they were stable and trying to be good parents, how we made money was the least of my worries. I would say things were good for several years and my youngest sister was born. Little did we know it would get bad, the worst it had been, fast. My youngest sister was around 4 when my mom and step dad started in again on the harder stuff and our life fell apart but this time it would not come back together. My mom and step dad split up shortly after that. Turns out, together they made one decent parent but apart they made two terrible ones. I was moved out at this point and watched from the sidelines as both my sisters lives fell apart. Our mother turned into a selfish teenager. She was no longer concerned with us or about us. Life for her was now all about her new husband and her addictions. That's the way it's been since.

Mom says she loves us—I believe her. She says wants to be our mother, that she is the one that gave birth to us, that she is our only mother. I realize all this but this still does not make it ok to use us, to abuse our relationship. I had to walk away. She was breaking me. She was breaking my heart and my soul. Her problems are not my problems. I cannot fix her, I cannot fix her problems, I cannot take care of her anymore.

The relationship with my father was different. He was in and out of jail for DUI's, not paying child support and so on, a lot when I was growing up. I spent many weekends and summers with him. But he wasn't always home. He was either working or out with his friends, no doubt getting into trouble. Both my parents seem to have had a hard time letting go of their teenage years. My step mom, or soul mom as I call her now, took care of me. I would beg to come over and she would tell me my father isn't there and I would tell her I didn't care. I just needed a break, a break from two addict parents at home. When I was with my soul mom I could be my age, I could be a little girl. I found it hard to let go and be my age but I loved the idea of it! My father and I weren't real close but we had a relationship. When I was in my late teens he started pulling away. He was using again. This time he went to prison for several years. I was the faithful visitor of course. Now he is out and doing well. I decided long before he was out that his decisions were his to make and if he traveled this road again, he would travel alone.

When someone famous dies from addiction it reminds me it truly is an illness. If it could be cured easily surely the famous would be cured. Instead they find themselves in the same boat as the average person, fighting to stay afloat. I know my mother is sick. She has been to treatment before. She has reasons to seek help and to follow through with it but she chooses not to. She instead chooses her addictions over her family, her children. These addictions are more important than a relationship with us. That is how it has been and that is how it will always be. You cannot help those who are not willing to help themselves. Or, in my mothers case, in complete denial of the problem all together.

My heart goes out to Amy Winehouse's parents. I know how it feels to watch someone you love do this to themselves and not be able to stop them. It hurts. You cry, you beg, you threaten but in the end it's their decision and you have to walk away to save yourself. It hurts when love isn’t enough. To those who said they didn’t do enough-you are idiots. This is real life not the movies or Reality TV.  NO ONE can save an addict but the addict themselves.

6 month MRI

Well, I had my 6 Month MRI last week and the results are CLEAR!! I knew they would be but it is a little nerve racking. That morning, while I was getting ready to make the hour car ride up there, I was thinking there is something wrong with me putting in all the effort of getting ready to be tortured! Ha!

We got there a few mins early so we could grab a bit in the café for lunch. (My MRI was at 12:15 and it takes a few hours)The smells of the food made me nauseous. All those memories of being in the hospital, being sick to my stomach and smelling that food and they came flooding back. It is funny how the nose and the brain connect that way.

They had me go to a new location in the hospital for my scan this time. The tube I was in was shorter and opened at both ends—so the top of my head and my feet stuck out. The MRI Tech was super nice and did a wonderful job putting up with my questions. (I can only take 15cc of a certain dye injected very slowly or I get sick) She didn't even leave a bruise! To make the scan more tolerable I jammed to Stevie Nicks Greatest Hits Crystal Vision. (Did I mention I am going to see her in Aug!!) I think with the next scan I will jam to some Jimi Hendrixs—that should cover that loud banging the machine makes! Then I headed to my doctor's office located in the same hospital—there is something wrong with knowing your way around a hospital.

I waited 3hrs to talk to the doctor for 10mins. Which is typical. I had him show me and my soul mom my MRI on the screen because I was concerned with Scar Tissue—my second tumor was missed because it was classified as "scar tissue" for two years. My scar tissue is just right behind the scar and follows it—it gets questionable when it is more round. He said even the scar tissue on my first surgery has changed and it is right behind the scar as well! He said he can also see a big difference in my muscles since the last scan—late last year. It's all the physical activities I am doing—physical therapy and now personal training and yoga. Yay! My next scan is the end of this year and I predict it is going to show a normal leg with little to no scar tissue.

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

- Hans Christian Anderson  

 

What is with music now days?

Seriously, at the risk of sounding like an old person—WTF?!

What is with all this Techno BS? What is with all the computers and mixers going on? What happened to being able to sing live without any technological assistance? I am talking about singers, and I use that term lightly, like Katy Perry, Brittany Spears and Lady Gaga.

I miss the 'old days' when musicians were judged on talent and not looks?
I bet none of these "girls" could sing live in the park if their life depended on it!

I miss music—what they are playing on the radio can barely be compared to real music. What happened to all the genres of music—I miss choices. County, Rock, Punk, Southern Rock, Easy listening. Now everything sounds like everything else. Since when is Green Day considered Rock—are you kidding me? If that is what is considered Rock now days, I am done!

I sometimes listen to the new music station and think—one day, this is what they will be playing on the oldie station and that is sad! This is what the younger generations think music is? Those poor souls will never know that feeling you get when listening to Tom Petty, Eagles, Aerosmith, Guns-n-Roses, Stevie Nicks, Heart, Janice Joplin, Doors, Pink Floyd and Jimi Hendrix. Now that is real music and that is talent!

I was blessed with a dad and soul mom who really enjoyed good music. Music was always playing, and playing loudly, as I was growing up. In the house, in the car, outside—I remember many memories of a record playing in the house with the windows open on a hot summer day while I lay out in the sun with my soul mom. Summer is not complete without these wonderful REAL musicians still to this day! These musicians make up the sound track to my life, my childhood. I cannot imagine how sad it would be to say that about the "ladies" mentioned above.

I find that it is my job to expose as many younger people as I can to REAL music. I am proud to say at only a few weeks old my little Keaton Michael enjoyed himself some of these greats! Those loud guitars were the only thing that could soothe that colic baby—who can say that about computer generated music and singers?


Shooter Jennings



Keaton Michael Lauyans

Two Years ago on July 2^nd my middle sister had her first baby. She was the first of my siblings to have a child.

9months before this I didn't take the news so well. I got that phone call from my sister after hearing that she was pregnant and not believing it. She was 19 and we hadn't talked since her graduation. (A few months back) To say the least I wasn't happy. I did not support her during most of her pregnancy. I instead chose to ignore it, like that would make it go away. But my point was to not celebrate this terrible decision she made by supporting her. I am sorry for that.

I don't remember exactly why but we started talking again when she was near the end of her pregnancy. We took it slow but our relationship soon fell back into place, but this time with a mutual respect we didn't have before. I had come to terms with the fact that a baby was to be born soon, like it or not.

The next life changing call I got I took much better than the first! It was July 2^nd 2009 when Keaton Michael Lauyans came into our lives. I was amazed how much I could love and how fast. I could never imagine our lives without him. My sister has allowed me to be very active in their lives and I couldn't be happier! This little man has been the best thing for us. He has brought my sister and me closer than ever before and together with David and Duste we are raising one of the smartest and most wonderful boys ever to live on this planet. My sister and I have only hit one stumbling block along the way and it felt more like a brick wall, but we are back on track and back to supporting each other and the small family we have together.

                      Keaton Michael Lauyans turns 2 on July 2^nd 2011—
                      whats that? I think I hear angels singing!!

--Searching for my Rainbow--

 I am done giving her advice, she does not take.

I am done listening to her bitch about her life and the messes she gets herself in, and never wanting to change.

I am done loaning her money.

 

I do not owe her anything just because I can manage my money better than her. Her situations are not my fault and I shouldn't be punished because of them.

 

I am not responsible for her happiness.

I am not responsible for her thoughts and feelings.

 

I deserve to be:

Loved, Respected, Appreciated

 

I do not deserve to be talked to this way. I do not deserve to get an email explaining all the reasons I am a terrible person and then told my response does not matter because that person is taking some time off and will not discuss it. That was an Attack—an attack on the one person that has been there for you and by saying you are taking time off after an attack like that is like saying a big "FUCK OFF—I do not care how my words affect you or what you have to say about it". I would never do that to you. I have never done that to you. When I took my time off we were fine, everything was fine and I just needed a break from the world—why do you take everything personal?

 

I am sick of having what I say twisted and thrown back in my face—people who love each other do not act this way.

 

My hurt is now turning to anger—I would rather feel anger than pain. I would rather be mad then cry.

I have so many questions—questions I will never get answered because you will never see that you ever did anything wrong. I cannot do this, I will not do this—I cannot have a relationship with anyone who is like this. Always walking on egg shells, always wondering when the next time will be that the floor falls out from under me.

 

You say I am not supportive. You say you cannot talk to me.

 

Hmm—but what about all the hrs spent on the phone at work, at home. You say I am so terrible to you but you can still ask me for money; you can still spend time with me and have family outings and cookouts?

 

I am saying right now I cannot be any more supportive—I help you financially, I help you with food, I listen to you always complaining—do you realize how draining you are? You are responsible for your own happiness—if you are not happy change things!!! You're not a child—you can figure this out!

 

I am done. I am done fighting. Life is too short for this. My happiness means too much to me.

 

I hope one day you can see what pain you have caused and what you have done. I hope one day you see how much things have changed inside of you and I hope one day you do something about that. No one can make you happy but you. I hope you can truly be happy, one day.

 

For now--I'm ready for my rainbow and here comes Duste to the rescue—she is great, she will not rest till my smile comes back, to my face and in my eyes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Devastation

I knew something was coming when I looked out my bed room window and there was a dead baby bird. Something was coming, I could feel it.

I never expected this. I never thought of this—I should have known better. I should have seen it coming.

I set here with tear stained cheeks trying to make since of it. Trying to put those hurtful words together, like a puzzle, trying to understand them. I just don't understand, I don't understand. Your hurtful, painful, soul crushing words swirl around my head like a thick dust cloud. I cannot make out the words, I cannot understand.

I did not see this coming. I am so hurt, torn and broke. A new kind of broke but an old familiar one as well. I had completely let my guard down with you. I allowed you in-you're the only one who made it back in once the walls went up. I never thought you of all people, would do this to me.

I may act strong, but I am weak. Everyone has their breaking point. Everyone has a heart. Mine is broke, not fractured but broke. Do you even think of what pain your words will cause, do you even care? I built my life around you and him. My future always had you in mind. I wonder now if I ever meant that much to you….

The next step is one I do not want to think about. How can I when I know what I need to do. I do not want to, I do not want to. Isn't there someway this can just all go away, isn't there some way?

I stand here looking out at the house I thought was strong. The family we all built together, small but mighty. I never thought it would be destroyed from within. Now all that is left is the original one room cottage. That cottage kept me safe when all else failed. She is the only one I can truly count on.

I feel the numbness creeping in. Ahh, that familiar relief. Just shut down when the pain comes, just shut down. …….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Indiana Dunes

We had a wonderful Holiday Weekend! We went to Indiana Dunes and stayed in a lakeside cottage in Porter, IN. It was wonderful!! The cottage sat up above the lake and all the windows had a wonderful view of the water. We were so close you could hear the waves hitting the shore. One morning we watched it storm over the lake from the bed surrounded by windows! It was a beautiful sight! We were there for three days and each day was completely different. First day it was 60's, second it was 70's and the last day was in the 90's—only in Indiana! It was the best vacation and much needed! (We are already planning our return trip!) Here are some pictures!