A letter to my grandma~

I love you and I will miss you more than words can say. I miss the grandma you used to be, the grandma you are now, now that you are in heaven.  

I didn’t visit often, when you were sick. I hated seeing you that way. I never knew what to say or what not to say. But you knew that I loved you.

Before you got sick we weren’t as close as we used to be. I hope you understand this now—now that you are in heaven and reflecting back on things. I hope you see why I couldn’t do or be what you wanted me to. I think you will. I hope you always knew I loved you.

I will always look back and smile. You made my childhood and world worth being in. Your love carried me through so many bad times. Your love kept me on the right path.  Your love is so strong I can still feel it. Please know I will always think of you, I will always do my best to make you proud. I wish you were here to see my children. I would have loved to see that glow in your eyes when you met them! I will do my best to teach our children all the things you, grandpa and Aunt Penny taught me. You raised some tuff girls-just know that we will be ok, you should rest now. We love you grandma. You were an awesome mother and grandma.

It will get better with time….

But all I can think about is all the things that will never be. My grandma will never see any of my children. She will not see Keaton grow up. She will not see Jayde graduate.

I look back on my childhood, on the things I loved, and wished the same for Keaton and my future children. How Grandma’s house was always the house to gather. Even without a holiday or formal dinner. My mom would take us over for a visit and before long my Aunt was there with her kids. On warm days/nights we would gather on the front porch and watch the world go by. Grandma ran a daycare and all us girls got our start there before we were old enough to go to school. I was at my grandmas before school, after school and sometime during school—when I convinced her I was too sick to go. I lived with her on and off throughout my childhood as did my sisters. Our grandma was more than a grandma. That house was the heart of our family. I have so many memories of my grandparents. They surrounded me and my sisters with love and did the best they could with us. One of my earliest memories is of my grandma singing. She loved to sing and had a voice that could stop a war in its tracks. She would listen to the newest song she was trying to learn and iron. We would sit on the swing on warm evenings and she would sing. As I got older I saw how much she loved. She had the biggest heart and could take anyone in and make them feel like they belonged. She loved unconditionally and with her full heart. It was all the little things I hold dear to my heart now. All the little things: memories of her cooking, cleaning, singing, watching TV, swinging, and driving. It’s the little everyday things that mean the most, those are the things the matter, those are the things we remember.

My house will now be the house Keaton and my children remember. My house will be the house we gather for holidays and just because. It is up to us now, to teach Keaton and future children all the things the ones we have lost taught us.

Along with the feeling of grief is a new feeling. It feels empty. I feel lost. She was the safety net and now that she is gone I’m not sure where to turn. I am exhausted.

Grandma is now with Grandpa and her youngest daughter, my Aunt Penny. Those three together again, happy and healthy bring a smile to my face.

Things change, life changes. We can never have what once was. Things don’t stay the same. People grow older, people die. I hate this. I wish I could hold on to everything from my past that made me happy. My grandma and grandpa would still be alive and healthy living in the house I grew up in. My Aunt would still be alive, healthy and happy. We would still gather at grandmas, we would still sit on the porch on a nice day. I miss those times, those days; I miss those faces and voices.

I hope my future children and Keaton can look back on their childhood and have half the good memories I have. I hope we can provide them with all the warmth and love our grandparents did us. I can’t help but feel a little overwhelmed and like I am sitting myself up for failure on this one, those are large shoes to fill.

I will miss you grandma—but everyone who knew you will miss you. You are a wonderful person and your family loved you so much. Give grandpa a big hug and let him kiss you and tell his stories one more time—how I miss his gruff deep voice. Tell Aunt Penny life isn’t the same without her and give her a hug and kiss from us. We will see you all again real soon—please keep an eye on us; we can us all the help we can get!  

I love you.

Anna England

On Sunday January 8^th my grandmother passed away. She had been sick around a year, fading but not fading fast. She held on. I hated to see her sick and weak. I hated to see her not like her independent, mouthy, feisty but very loving self. I never went to see her by myself. I always made my sister come with me. She was good at filling the silence when I didn’t know what to say. I sit her now, finding it hard to put my thoughts to words. Probably because I am still numb, there aren’t many thoughts in my head right now. I am blank and numb. I hate this. I hate this feeling, I hate this process. I hate the viewing and funeral. I also hate to see my sisters upset. When they cry, I cry. I want to make their tears go away, I want to never see them cry but this is something I cannot fix. So, I sit there, holding their hands or sometimes them to make the pain more bearable. My oldest of my little sisters is married. So now I hold my youngest and make sure the husband is doing his job with the other one. Meanwhile, Duste’s job is to take care of me. But I do not make this easy because I am too busy taking care of everyone else, plus she is a crier, which makes the rest of us worse. It is a mess. We are a mess. I hate this.