Day #4 of the 30 day Grateful Challenge

Write a Thank You note to someone who has Rekindled The Spark inside of you –

--My wife has rekindled my spark so many times about so many things.

Dear Soul Mate, love of my life – my wife,

I want to thank you for all the times you have inspired me throughout our life together. You have rekindled that spark inside of me so many times. During these times you have expanded my mind and heart either directly, by showing me a new way to see the world or indirectly by allowing me the freedom to explore a new way of thinking. A simple statement or different point of view can lead to so many changes. We have had different experiences in life, different ways of looking at the world and it’s because of the differences I can grow and learn. I am so grateful to you for showing me, teaching me and supporting me in my journey.

Now and Forever –

                Your Wife 

Day #3 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

When you are grateful fear disappears and abundance appears

--write what this could mean for you in your life

This quote says to me take time to appreciate the little things, focus more on what you have now – right now.

Imagine how this can change your thought pattern – focusing more on the good and less on the bad. 

We are programmed to talk about our problems and its considered bragging when we talk about the good. What if we switch these, how different would our lives be? 

It is difficult for me to find things to be grateful about because I thought it had to be big things but it doesn’t. It can be, should be, the small things – the wind/breeze, sun, leaves, walks, talks, homemade dinners, safe secure relationships, ability to grow, freedom to explore, hot tub on cool nights, heating pads, financial securities, ability to stay home and less stress.

A note that came out in my Soul Writing –

                Live in the moment, focus on the now more. Like when getting a massage—calm my mind                 and enjoy the moment, right here/right now.

Day #2 of the 30 day Gratitude Challenge

For 5 minutes write down everything you’re grateful for – do not let your mind wonder to anything negative.

My 5 minute list:

Pets—Ivy Rose and Diablo. The unconditional love they give me, the warm cuddles and the laughs they provide.

Home – our lovely wonderful comfortable loving home. The nest of security we have created. A roof over our heads that we truly love.

Family – having a supportive group of people around you is very important, no matter how small that group may be.

                Brenda brings positivity, guidance and a fresh perspective to my life.

                Inlaws bring a connection to the past, experiences and fun stories

Duste my wife my life – brings joy, supportiveness and reassurance, true undying love.

Health – we are both healthy and continue to strive to be healthier.

Good Food – we made a goal to eat healthier and we continue to meet these goals. Less dairy, less soy, less meat and more natural!

30 Day Gratitude Challenge

I have decided to take the Challenge -- the 30 Day Gratitude Challenge.

I want to be more positive and I want to be more grateful in my life. This is something I strive to do, to be, but never really put anything into practice. I read a lot about how changing your thoughts and your thought pattern can change your life but these two things are hard to change. Reprogramming your brain is difficult and takes daily practice. So here I go !

Day #1 Think of a time in your life when a trial became a blessing.

Failed Relationships – After a serious break up and not wanting to give up and go back to my first boyfriend I started dating who ever asked. It came to me that I was blocking my soul mate and I must have missed him because of my high standards. This resulted in a lot of bad dates with guys who didn’t deserve my time but I went in with an open heart ready to find my husband. When this didn’t work and I was alone again I felt hopeless, at a loss on what to do next.

Duste started suggesting we could be together and after several attempts I finally figured out what she was saying. That’s when my eyes opened – my answer was right in front of me. I WAS blocking my soulmate but not because my standards were too high but my vision of what that looked like was limited. My soul mate was a female, my happily ever after was her and she had been in front of me this entire time! All those heart broke nights, all that stressing, worrying and she was right there!

Looking back I can see something led me to her, something kept showing me this path and each time I would pass it to take another I was lead back. Until finally, I was ready to open my heart, my mind and slowly my eyes. My past relationships made me question love and in those relationships I deeply felt all the emptiness, all the unhappiness, all the unsettlement. However, without those failed relationships I wouldn’t appreciate her, I wouldn’t know what a gift she is. Without unhappiness can we truly know happiness? Without pain can we truly appreciate joy?

My path led me to her and without a doubt in my mind I know our love was meant to be. Our souls have loved one another for many lifetimes and will continue to do so. Each life time we find one another, drawn together by a pull from deep within, that’s our journey. My husband turned out to be my wife in this life time! 

Two Months of Separation....

It’s been two months (almost) since I’ve seen my two little boys. Two months since I’ve heard them call for me in their sweet voices, two months since I’ve held and kissed them. This is the longest we have been apart in Keaton’s 6yrs and Eli’s 2yrs of life.

It’s a shame I am being treated like someone who could/would harm them. I have done nothing but give my all for those boys, so much it was draining me financially and emotionally. But because their mother and I can no longer get along I am being punished. Why every time we disagree is that her first reaction? The boys don’t understand. The last time this happened and I did get to see Keaton again, it broke my heart when he said “adults shouldn’t fight, they should just love the kids.”

I put on a brave face during my daily routine. I don’t think of them as often, but they still cross my mind. However, at night my control over my emotions and thoughts is lost. I often have heart wrenching dreams of the boys, weeping uncontrollably, as I often did while awake when this first happened. Nights like those leave me feeling sad and drained.

When I don’t think it’s possible for my heart to break any more, it shatters again. The sadness I feel is unlike any other I have felt. My heart aches, my soul is devastated and the emptiness I feel doesn’t seem to be capable of being filled again.

To end this heartache I could just accept life on her terms but to do that would mean living the torment of these past 6 yrs all over again. I can’t go on like that. This is where I am stuck, for now. Maybe later on negotiations can start but for now I am standing up, sometimes while holding on for dear life, to make a change.  

I cannot be used, abused and lied to any more. I have to demand changes, I have to draw a line in the sand, and I have to set boundaries. No matter how painful it is, my happiness, my well-being is important. I cannot give in, no matter how badly I want to, or how easy it would be. In the long run this will be better even if it means tremendous pain.

I do not know what the resolution would be. It would be great if their mother and I function like separated parents, only communicating when it pertains to the kids. I being allowed to spend time with the boys during prearranged dates/times. Not being contacted at the last minute and expected to drop all plans. But it is hard for me to watch the boys being parented badly, so even this limited contact is hard on me. I do not know what the solution would be. I do not have the answer.

This is why my heart breaks over and over again.

Ch—Ch—Ch—Ch Changes…..

Here we go again, reevaluating and making some changes!

Change is hard, Change is challenging but change can also be freeing!

We are making two changes in our lives – our diet and our extended family.

Diet –

Our Diet have been changing for several years now. Around the same time I started this blog we made the change to “Happy Meat” which led to the change from beef/pork to chicken/turkey. Then we cut back on dairy because the other Mrs. Eggers became lactose intolerant.

Dairy

We are now going dairy free!

We have found substitutes for Cheese, Butter, Salad Dressing, Cool Whip and Yogurt. We already use Almond Milk but because of ingredients I am hesitant on using it daily.

Soy

Taking soy completely out of our diets, right now, seems near impossible. Soy is like High Fructose Corn Syrup -- it’s in everything!! I am reading labels and choosing soy free when possible.

Green Tea

I am also changing flavored Green Tea – I was drinking Lipton with Honey flavored Green Tea packets but they are no longer offered locally or online so I switched to Crystal Light. BAD!! This brand contains artificial sweeteners!! So I found Lipton has Flavored Green Tea bags and we will add honey to sweeten.

Meat

We want to eat less meat so I am making one less meat meal a week. (I cook two meals a week – One on Monday that we re-eat on Wednesday and the second on Tuesday we re-eat on Thursday.) When we eat out we no longer eat Beef or Pork and opt for meat free when possible.

The Process

I got started by making a list of things we consume daily. I check all the ingredient and made changes where needed. That snowballed, as it usually does with Animal Cruelty Documentaries.

Hopefully these changes will continue to progress and come easily!

Extended Family –

Years ago, before this blog, I decided the people who do not contribute to my happiness, those who caused more unhappiness and undue stress had to be eliminated in my life. Since then I have been on the path to my happiness; I have stumbled, often more than once on the same road block but I am always moving towards my goal!

This is harder than any diet change. Typically with changes I am all in-- making changes rather quickly. I do my research, make up my mind and start moving towards my goal. However, with this change I am reevaluating before each step; not second guessing my decision just trying to find my way on this new path. There is no research to do, no documentaries to watch, just me trying to do the best I can with what I am given. I do not make decisions to cut out family members easily. I do think it through, I do try to see the bigger picture, imagining the end results of decision I am making.

Nothing will change if you keep making the same decisions you have always made.

I found myself at the usual fork in the road – I could chose the path I have taken before and end up right back where I am or I could take the other path. I decided to take the new path! I feel uncertain and sad at times, but I am going to trust my decision. So here I go – in unfamiliar territory. It is worth the uncomfortableness to be happier and have less stress.

Putting a stop to the way others treat you, especially when those others are family, is always met with resistance. Things will get worse before they get better.

BUT --this is my life, I deserve to live it and I deserve to be happy! 

Focus

It’s time to focus on me, it’s time to focus on my wife, our life and our pursuit of a baby.

This has been coming for years – it’s easy to track the progress on my past post, conversations I have had with close friends and the pain in my heart. I knew it was coming, I knew it was a choice that I would have to make, I knew I was avoiding the hardest decision of my life.

I couldn’t keep taking on all this stress, heartache and betrayal.

It’s time for me – it’s time to live my life!

I am done taking care of people, I am done being used. I have spent most of my life taking care of others who were not my responsibility to take care of. If I keep on this road I will never have time for me, for my life. What kind of wife have I been / will I be, what kind of mother would I be if I continue like this. This has to end, this has to stop.

So now I am changing my focus. It’s time to be 100% focused on my wife, our life and our future.

Change is hard, change is necessary.

My wish for the future – to have a relationship with my two nephews without being used, abused and stressed from the adults.

Maybe, just maybe, IF things dramatically change we can be a family again but I am not holding my breath.

It is what it is, they are who they are. IF anyone else caused me this much pain they would have been gone, for good, a long time ago. IF it wasn’t for those two precious boys I wouldn’t have put myself through this so many times. I can’t do this for another 6 years. Things have to change and change is happening now.